I Hate Myself For Loving You
by sfdc
Summary: Santana is driven to attempting suicide by her feelings for girls, one blonde haired beauty in particular. Quinn steps to her rescue in her hour of need. Quintana angst
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: So I've been reading some Quintana fics and decided I'm totally into this pairing. I'm gonna give it a shot. So it's got some AU elements and all that you guys need to be explicitely told off the bat is that Quinn's parents are nice people. They were supportive (yet dissapointed) about the pregnancy but they love her regardless. Btw this won't be as fluffy is the future fic I've got going now, more serious. Alright, here's goes nothing!**

**Disclaimer: Suicide talk so if that's an uncomfortable area for you tread carefully. **

_Seeing as you're reading this you've probably guessed that I wasn't a happy person. But I'm not rude enough to leave the people in my life wondering why I wasn't happy, why I felt like I had to do this. _

_I realized that something was wrong with me when I started high school. I joined Cheerios because I was supposed to, I got good grades because I was supposed to, everything I did was because I was supposed to do it; because my parents expected me to do it. I actually find myself laughing now at the thought that I put so much effort into trying to make my parents happy. No matter what I did they hated me, they hurt me mentally and physically and I kept trying to make them stop by showing them how perfect I could be. I dated Puck, Finn, and Sam because they were considered to be the kind of guys girls like me were suppposed to date. But I never felt anything beyond friendship for them, and I know that I never could. So I'm sorry that I used you guys, you were all great and didn't deserve to be props for my perfect image. _

_Everything I ever did was to hide who I really was from the people around me. And I know now that I also did those things to try and repress who I really was from myself as well. Why? Because I'm something that I'm not supposed to be, something my parents hate, something God hates, something that so many people in the world hate, and something I hate._ _No one ever told me this, but it's extremely tiring to feel so much hate. It's tiring to not have the one thing that could make you happy. It's tiring to be too scared to ever make an attempt to take what you want. And it's also tiring to be embarassed and ashamed of what you really want. _

_I'm not going to leave behind a puzzle to be solved, so I'll just lay it all on the line considering I have absolutely nothing to lose at this point. In high school I started noticing all the girls in the halls, I noticed them in a way that girls aren't supposed to notice other girls. I was captivated by everything about them. I wanted to reach out and touch them, I wanted to hold them, I wanted to kiss them. I knew that I wasn't supposed to. I'd been raised to know that the kind of girl who likes other girls is sick. I didn't feel sick, but I did feel scared. I knew I wasn't supposed to and I knew that my parents would shun me if they knew. They'd hurt me more than they already did. I couldn't handle that, I've been broken down too much and simply am not strong enough to deal with it anymore._

_I tried to ignore girls with guys. I slept around a whole lot more than I'm proud of, waiting for the one guy that would make me straight. I dated guys and tried so hard to make myself love them. I could lie to myself while I did that. But the thing that made it harder to lie was one girl who caught my eye. The blonde haired beauty and top girl of high school, my friend Quinn Fabray. Throughout high school I've fallen harder and harder for her and nothing I could do made me stop. Loving her made it so much harder to lie to myself. It hurt to see her with other guys. It hurt to know that I could never be the one who could wake hand in hand down the hall with her and kiss her before class and take her on dates. _

_I'm sick of pouring out my heart to people who I hate for the most part, so I'll just wrap this whole thing up. I'm tired of being tired, I'm scared of the world, and it hurts so badly to even think that I'd have to live the rest of my life as a lie. I figure it's better to die honest and be rested than live a liar and be tired. So I'm going to take the easy way out. The last thing I want to say is a message to Quinn: if you ever read this note or find out what was in it, don't blame yourself. You were the only real friend I ever had and I still lied to you. I wanted more than friendship from you and it's not your fault that you couldn't give it to me. Just know that I loved you more than life itself and I'm sorry that I'm doing something that I know is going to hurt you. But you've always been stronger than me and I know that you'll be able to move on. You have to move on, as a final favor to me please don't blame yourself and just move on. _

_-Santana Lopez_

Tears were falling onto the paper as I finished my letter with a swift signature. Unwilling to read it over, I quickly taped it to the entrance of the cheerios shower. People could see it there easily so I wouldn't have to worry about my final words going unnoticed. I walked over to my cheerios locker for the last time and pulled out the razor blade I'd stolen from my dad's shaving kit this morning before I'd left for school. I would have done this at home but I didn't want my parents to find me. I didn't want a student to find me either, so I waited until now. School's been over for three hours and cheerios practiced let out an hour ago. Everyone should be gone, some janitor will find me in a few hours.

I walked into the showers and turned on the water to it's hottest setting. Sinking down to a seated position and leaning against the wall, I let the water run over me and soak through my cheerios uniform while I thought things through one last time.

I was definitely going to go through with it, but I knew that I was being selfish to a certain degree and that I would hurt a few people. There was Brittany, my best friend since 4th grade. This would kill her, she wouldn't understand why I did it. She was so happy and honest and she saw the world through the eyes of someone who was truly innocent. This would change her, and I hate myself for that. She has no idea how much I've been hurting or what I've been hiding, I didn't want to burden her. Then there's the rest of glee club, they would be sad and confused too. They were all always so nice no matter how lame I was to them. But they didn't know about the real me, and I'm too scared to show them. My parents were going to be all torn up about it too, or at least pretend to be. They were both full of shit and I knew they'd never really loved me. They wanted a boy and they got me, they never let me forget that.

Then there's Quinn. Beautiful, tough, and the top dog. I laughed as Joan Jett's _I Hate Myself For Loving You_ ran through my head. I really do hate myself for it. Quinn was my other best friend since the first day of high school when we realized we were supposed to be friends. I wish she were just part of the charade I put on, but she was all too real and it scared the shit out of me. I wanted to confide in her about it all; my parents abuse, my feelings and more specifically my feelings for her. But I knew that the second I let my guard down like that I wouldn't be able to help myself and one day it would slip out that I loved her. I didn't want to lose her when she learned about my real feelings, then I would really have nothing. I'd rather be dead and have nothing than be alive and have nothing. At least when I'm dead I won't even be able to know that I have nothing.

This was definitely the thing I needed to do. The lie was too much and I knew that the truth would push away those around me. My parents were all too vocal in their disgust with gays. I was scared of what they would do to me once they found out the truth. I'd probably have the shit beaten out of me then be sent off to some crazy bible camp in the woods to be fixed. I already know I can't be fixed, I tried to fix myself and nothing worked. I just hope that God is loving and not the vengeful tyrant my parents made him out to be. Then finally I'll have someone to love me.

_Damn it Lopez it's now or never, get to it._

I sighed and shook some of the water from my hair. I fiddled with the small razor and teased my wrist, making small cuts that just drew small amounts of blood. It stung, but it was nothing I wasn't prepared for. I knew that this wasn't exactly the most painless way to do this, but it was the only thing I had access too. Inhaling deeply, I pressed the blade further, aiming for some sort of vein so I could finish quickly. I grunted and gritted my teeth as I pushed down harder, forcing myself not to scream. Before I knew it my vision was blurring and I saw the water starting to run red. I switched wrists and slashed quick and deep before throwing the razor to my side. Closing my eyes, I leaned my head against the shower wall and felt the room spinning. It was getting harder to breathe or move at all. I let my arms fall to my sides and felt the blood seeping from my wrists.

_It can't be much longer now._

"Hello?" I heard a distant voice calling out. "Is someone here? Coach Sylvester is gonna be pissed if someone's still using the showers."

_That voice is familar._

"Fine don't respond. I'm gonna come in and turn off the shower, so if there's actually someone in there don't say I didn't warn you when you get all embarassed about being seen naked or whatever."

_No, it can't be._

"Last warning, I'm coming in!" The voice echoed through the shower room.

_No, no, no she can't see me like this. _

A glass-shattering shriek bounced around on the tiles of the shower room. I felt someone grabbing my shoulders and shake me hard.

"Santana! Santana no, no, no wake up! Santana please!"

Her hands left my shoulder and I heard her run out of the shower room. "Coach Sylvester!" I heard the voice shouting from the hall. "Coach! Call 911! Anybody please call 911!"

The footsteps returned and I felt cloth being pressed against my wrists. She was trying to save me.

"Don't," I summoned enough strength to mutter.

"Santana hold on it's gonna be okay. I'm gonna help you someone's coming, please don't go," She was sobbing now and I felt sick. I needed it to end faster, I couldn't stand listening to her hurting.

"What's the damn emergency Q?" a new voice was in the shower room. A gasp came from Coach Sylvester. "Oh my God, Quinn keep pressure on it I'm gonna go call for help."

Coaches footsteps faded as she ran away to find a phone.

_No, no, no just let me finish what I started._

I felt Quinn pull me into her. She was holding me, I heard her sobs over the falling of water from the shower.

"Someone's coming S," she choked out through sobs. "It's gonna be okay, I'm not gonna let anything happen to you. I won't let go."

I tried to push back against her to make her let go but I was too weak.

"Santana open your eyes, I need to make sure you stay away," she pleaded.

I refused to open my eyes. I knew it would hurt to much to see her looking so distraught. The pained face of the girl I love was not going to be the last thing I ever see.

"Santana please!" she shouted. "Just do something so I know you're awake."

I didn't move. If I started to move it would mean I was fighting to survive. I didn't want to survive. I didn't want to fight, if I tried to fight I would get scared. I was done being scared and just wanted to give in.

"Paramedics!" A new voice shouted. "Where are you?"

"In here!" shouted Quinn. "Where the showers are!"

I heard footsteps from multiple people run into the room and felt Quinn's hand move from me only to be replaced by several new pairs. I was fading fast and couldn't understand what people were saying.

_I did it, it's almost over._

I heard voices begin to contort and what I'm pretty sure was a scream from Quinn as I slipped out of conciousness.

**A/N: Damn I didn't know I had that sort of writing on me. I hope that it was good, please review and leave your opinions.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I'm no social worker nor have I ever known someone who's been in a situation that requires a social worker so I doubt that the things I'm saying about guardianship transferring and what not are accurate. So please don't be too annoyed. R&R**

Quinn's POV:

"You have to do something!" I was screaming at the paramedics as they worked on Santana. I couldn't see her anymore, she was blocked by the backs of the men who covered her.

"No pulse, get her away dried and to an ambulance we can shock her there," one paramedic said to the others.

I started sobbing even harder, something I thought I couldn't do anymore. I watched through vision blurred by tears as they ran past with Santana on a stretcher.

_She'll make it. She has to make it._

Before I knew it, I was alone in the locker room. Coach Sylvester had followed the paramedics out, but I felt paralyzed and couldn't move. Instead, I let myself fall onto one of the locker room benches and kept sobbing. I was wracked with sobs and I was cold from my uniform being soaked through when I was with her.

_She was bleeding so much. It was so bad._

I looked up after what felt like hours but I'm sure was only minutes and my heavy eyes fell on the entrance to the shower room. I just stared, unable to erase from my mind what I'd just seen in there. My best friend had hurt herself and I didn't know why.

_I could have helped her. It's my fault I should have seen that something was so wrong. Oh God what could have been so bad for her that she felt like she couldn't even live?_

Then I saw a piece of paper taped to the entrance of the showers. I managed to stand up and go over to it. It was Santana's writing. This was her suicide note. I pulled it off the wall and sat back down, reading it carefully. I felt my hands trembling the entire time. Her parents were hurting her and I didn't know. And she's gay, she thought no one would accept her and-

_Oh no, no, no._

I read the last part of the note over and over again. My best friend was in love with me and was willing to kill herself in order to quell whatever fire she felt. I began crying again and my tears fell onto the note, making spots that matched the ones that must have been left by Santana as she wrote it. Before I had time to read the note again I heard footsteps falling quickly in the locker room.

"Oh my God Quinn," said Mr Schue. He kneeled in front of me and grabbed my hands. "Quinn are you okay? Coach Sylvester told me to come find you."

I just shook my head and choked out more sobs. I pulled out of Mr Schues grasp and covered my face, wanting to hide from the world and forget everything that had happened.

"Quinn, the ambulance left and are taking her to the hospital," Mr Schue said gently. "If you come with me I'll drive you there."

I just nodded, knowing that I wasn't in a state to form actual words. Mr Schue gently helped me up and let me lean against him as we walked into the parking lot. It was empty, everyone except a few teachers had gone. I shouldn't even have been there, but Coach Sylvester wanted to keep me late to work on a routine today.

_Fate allowed me to find her. _

We drove in silence, Mr Schue understanding my want to advoid speech. I just clutched Santana's note in my hand, he hadn't noticed it.

_It's my fault she wanted to die. She thought I wouldn't want to be around her anymore. I should have let her know she was wrong. She was so wrong about that. _

We pulled into the parking lot at the hospital. Mr Schue killed the engine and we both sat. He was waiting for me to be ready. I sighed deeply and let new tears fall silently down my face as I thurst the note at him. He stayed quiet and accepted it, reading it over slowly. He sighed deeply and pinched the area between his eyes, clearly trying not to cry himself.

"She's right Quinn, it's not your fault," he finally said.

"It is," is the only response I can muster.

"I know you feel guilty now, and you'll probably feel guilty for a long time but one day you'll realize that the blame does not in anyway fall on you," Mr Schue placed his hand on my shoulder as he said this. "Are you ready?"

I nod and climb out of the car. It was cold, a bitter breeze whipped around and left my shivering. The cold, damp cheerios uniform wasn't helping. Mr Schue appeared at my side and I felt him lower his coat onto my shoulders. I accepted it graciously, huddling myself inside it as we walked into the waiting room for the ER. Inside there was no one except for an attendant at the nurse's station. Santana's parents weren't here, my parents didn't even know what was happening, and it was just me and Mr Schue sitting silently in the stiff chairs lined around the room.

_Everything is quiet now. It feels like it will always be quiet from now on._

"She wasn't breathing, no pulse," I mumbled in a monotone voice.

Mr Schue stiffened beside me, "These are good doctors Quinn. They can save her."

_What if it was too late?_

I shivered again and pulled my legs onto the chair. I wrapped my arms around my knees and retreated into the large coat. I wanted to stay there forever. It was the only place that felt safe right now.

"Quinn, stay here I'm gonna call your parents," Mr Schue said quietly.

My eyes were closed but I heard him shuffle past me. I heard the automatic door slide open, then closed. It was just me and the attendant. I'd never felt so alone.

_I just wanna sleep._

"Quinn, Quinnie baby," I heard my mom's voice whispering softly in my ear as she rubbed my back. "Quinnie baby wake up, we brought you some warm clothes."

I lifted my head from their resting spot against my legs and looked at my mom. I felt that my cheeks were stained by tears and that my eyes were puffy and read from crying. My mom had worry tattooed across her forehead. Not just for me, she too had grown to love Santana over the years. My mom gave me a weak, forced smile and handed me cheerios sweats, a plain black t-shirt and a hooded sweater from the Hard Rock Cafe. I accepted them, still in silence, and followed the signs to the bathroom.

The bathrooms were empty but I still changed quickly, wanting to get back to my parents. Once my uniform was off I gasped and noticed that it was stained with blood.

_Santana's blood._

I would have cried but I don't think it was possible anymore, one person can only shed oh so many tears. I ran back to the waiting room, not wanting to have to touch my stained uniform anymore. The second I saw my mother I thrust it into her hands and pulled up my hood. Before I could sit, my dad came up to me and pulled me into a bone crushing hug.

_I can feel safe here._

He let go and sat down, pulling me onto his lap. He made me feel small, but not in a bad way. I buried my head in his chest and let exhaustion sweep over me.

"Quinn, wake up the police wanna ask you a few questions," I heard my dad say gently, trying to stir me from my sleep.

I lifted my head from my chest and pulled back the hood of my sweater. When I looked around I saw police officers, one talking to Mr Schue and holding what looked to be Santana's note. In front of me was a tall brunette woman with a notepad. She had a polite smile and her brow was furrowed from the concern she clearly felt.

"Miss Fabray," she began slowly. "Are okay to talk to us right now."

"Yes," my voice was raw from crying. It must have been hours since I last spoke.

"Okay, I'll start simple. Can you just tell me about when you found your friend?"

_That's not simple._

"I had an extra long training practice for cheer," I began. "So when I was done it was already six, everyone was supposed to be home except for teachers who stayed late that day. I went to the locker room for my bag and I heard the showers. Coach hates it when people who aren't cheerios sneak in to use our showers. I knew there weren't any cheerios still at school so I was gonna go yell at who ever had snuck in. But then when I walked into the shower room I sa-,"

I had to stop and compose myself. I was done crying, it was almost painful to cry at this point. My dad's hand came to my back and circled in an attempt to comfort me.

"Keep going Quinnie, it's okay," he reassured me.

I took a deep breath and continued. "I saw Santana just sitting there and leaning against the wall. Her uniform was on and she was sitting under the showers. I thought maybe she was drinking with someone after school and thought sitting in the shower to sober up before going home was a good idea. But then I saw that the water was red and that her eyes were closed," I winced as the image came back to my mind. "So I ran to her and tried to see if she was awake. I was screaming at her to wake up and then I ran out to find Coach so she could get help. I came back with towels to put pressure on the cuts and stop the bleeding. The paramedics came and moved me aside so they could work. So I just sat on the bench outside the showers and listened to them. Then they brought her out on a stretcher and I was just left in the locker room. That's when I saw the note," I pointed lazily at the other officer who was holding it.

"We saw read the note," the officer said, nodding her head. "Did you know that she was hurting like that? That her parents were hurting her?"

"No," was all I could say.

_How could I not have known? I'm an idiot, what kind of friend doesn't see that their best friend is so hurt?_

"That's all for now Miss Fabray, thank you very much," the officer said kindly. She could see that I was done talking so she turned to my dad. "Mr Fabray, we got a confession from Miss Lopez's parents about the abuse when we went to their home to inform them of what had happened. They've been taken into custody and will not be allowed to remain as her legal guardians. That means she's going to have to be put into foster homes an-"

"Wait, wait, wait," my dad interrupted, his tone stern. "That girl is not being shipped off to God knows where. How is that going to help her? My wife and I consider Santana to be a second daughter, she's always at our house with Quinn and it's been like that for year. Is there anyway we can take her in? Because I'll be damned if that girl has to go through more trauma."

"Well Mr Fabray, if you really think that your family can make those accomadations and have suitable lodgings to offer her then I suppose that yes we could arrange that," the officer said, scribbling notes on her pad. "I'll have to send a social worker to come inspect your home, make sure there's a room for her and just ask you a few questions."

"That'd be fine," my dad said with a nod, looking over to my mom who nodded as well.

"Excellent, well I'll let you all be that's all we have for now," the officer flipped her pad closed and walked to join her partner. The two exhanged brief words before tipping their hats to us and leaving through the front doors.

"Russel we have to get that girl," my mom muttered.

"We will Judy, I'll make sure we do," my dad said slowly, clearly wrapped in thought.

"Dad it's my fault," I blurted out.

"Lucy Quinn Fabray do not dare say such nonsense," he scolded me gently.

"No dad, it is!" I said desperately. "If I'd just told that I, that I-" I stopped on the verge of admittance.

"If you'd just what sweetie?" my mom coaxed.

"If I'd told her I loved her!" I cried out. Evidently I wasn't out of tears because I was feeling them stream down my face again. "I love her and if she'd known that she'd never have done this!"

"Quinn, do you mean love her the way that she loved you?" my dad asked, placing my hand is his.

I just nodded and buried my face in his chest. I really did love her and didn't tell her for the same reasons she didn't tell me. I thought she'd reject me and hate me and make me a reject at school. Except I had family to fall back on, I could be honest about everything else except my feelings for her.

"I have to tell her," I spoke up suddenly. "If she's okay I have to tell her I love her."

"Quinn, listen to me carefully," my dad said softly and sternly. "you absolutely can not tell her anything that you don't mean. I don't know if you're just saying this because you're upset or because you truly mean it. But I forbid you to tell her unless you are completely serious. She can't handle that kind of hurt if tell her something that you don't truly mean right now."

"I do mean it," I whisper. "I should have told her so long ago..." my voice trailed off.

_I'm a liar, I killed my best friend. It's my fault._

"It's okay that you do," my mom said, comforting me with her soothing voice. "Just know that she's going to need you, so badly. For a long time."

I nodded in agreement. "Has a doctor come out yet?" I asked quietly, almost afraid to know the answer.

"No," was all either of them could say. They were scared too.

I checked the clock on the wall, it was two in the morning. I was cold again and shuddered in my seat. The must have noticed because she left the desk for a few minutes. When she came back she had a cup of hot chocolate. I smiled up at her to show my thanks, she nodded and returned to her seat. I let the cup warm my hands and drank it slowly. It made me realize how empty my stomach was.

"Are you the Fabrays?" a middle aged doctor walked into the room and stood in front of my parents and I. He looked tired but still capable. The streaks of gray in his hair made him seem more... trustworthy and knowledgable.

"Yes that's us," my father said, sitting up straight.

"Excellent, the police told us that you were her acting guardians in light of recent events. Miss Lopez is stabalized, first off. While she did stop breathing for longer than we like anyone to stop our paramedics were able to resucitate her en route to the hospital. The real damage came from the extreme blood loss that resulted from self inflicted wounds."

This made me shudder, it still hurt to think that Santana wanted to hurt herself.

"But we gave her some transfusions and she's stabalized now. She's sleeping right now and is going to have to stay her for three days for suicide watch as is custom. So that means she can go home with you all on Saturday."

"Thank God," my mom said, breathing a heavy sigh of relief.

"You can send her back to school when you deem fit," the doctor continued. "Until Saturday I suggest making preparations at your home for her, making sure she has a room and all that. The police are going to open up the Lopez residence to you so you can get her posessions and move them into your home. Get all of that done by Saturday and the social worker said he'd sign off on your guardianship papers."

"Sounds reasonable, we'll get to work first thing tomorrow," my dad said, taking my mom's hand in his.

"Can I see her?" I blurted out before anyone could talk again.

"I suppose," the doctor looked to my parents who nodded their approval. "Okay, come with me then."

I got up slowly, almost surprised that my legs were actually solid enough to carry me through the hospital. We finally stop at room 407. The doctor put his hand on my shoulder before I could walk in.

"Let her sleep and be strong when she wakes up," he said.

I nodded again and carefully opened the door, making sure I didn't make enough noise to wake her. She was hooked up to a few things, probably just drips for fluid and transfusions. She wasn't hooked up to any sort of breathing machine, I figured that was a good sign. She looked surprisignly peaceful for someone who'd just tried of off themself. She seemed content, like she hadn't been able to sleep for a long time and finally could.

_Exactly what she wanted to have, rest._

I shuddered as I remembered the eerie message she had left for the world to find. She was scared, she was tired, she was hurting.

_And part of the blame falls on me._

A wave of exhaustion rushed over me, making me want to lay down. I walked to Santana's bed and carefully climbed in next to her. Laying on my side I watched her chest rise and fall with shallow breaths. But my eyes were quickly brought to the bandages around her wrist. I wanted to cry again but forced myself not to so she wouldn't be woken by the sound. Instead, I carefully laced my fingers between hers and buried my face in her neck. I closed my eyes and begged for sleep.

_I won't let you hurt anymore. I love you too much to let you feel that way again._


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: I just wanna thank everyone for all the positive reviews and response in general. You guys gave me a lot to think about and it was all really helpful. Anyway, R&R&enjoy!**

Santana's POV:

_Why am I breathing? No, I'm not supposed to be breathing. I'm not supposed to be thinking. I'm not supposed to be anything!_

My eyes were clenched shut as I woke up. This wasn't supposed to happen, I'm not supposed to be here. I don't _want_ to be here. If I never open my eyes I'll be able to avoid reality.

_I can't even successfully kill myself. I'm a failure, pathetic. I'm angry._

I need to deal with how angry I am. I'm gritting my teeth and clenching my fists. At the base of the bed I must be in I feel some sort of board. I kick it. Something next to me flinches, with my eyes closed I hadn't noticed I was alone.

"Santana it's okay," It's Quinn's voice soothing me. I feel a hand sweep the hair from my face.

_Why is she here? She must have seen the note. She must hate me._

"I know you're awake, so open your eyes and look at me," she's trying to coax me. Her voice is so soft and gentle, I can't refuse her.

I let my eyes open for the first time and let reality flood into me. This is a hospital room. There's a drip on my arm and bandages wrapped thick around my wrist. This was definitely all real, not some sort of obscure afterlife. Quinn's lying next to me. She looks terrible but beautiful at the same time. She's been crying, that much is clear.

_I made her hurt and now I have to be here to see it._

"Santana I just want you to know that I don't care about any of the things you think I would be mad about," Quinn blurted out. I froze at these words, these words I'd needed to hear for so long but she hadn't known that she needed to say them. "I'm gonna be here for you for a long time, whether you like it our not. In fact we could be there for each other because we're scared of the same things. We just reacted to them in very different ways."

_What does that mean? Scared of being herself? Do her parents hurt her?_

"Santana please say something to me," Quinn pleaded. The look in her eyes told me that she thought I was angry with her. But I couldn't talk, that was my last barrier from the world and I wasn't about to give it up any time soon. But I wasn't mad, I don't know what I was but it wasn't mad.

"It's okay," she muttered in defeat. "I'll just go I understand."

She started to get up but I didn't want her to go. I reached out and grabbed her hand. Quinn turned to me looking baffled.

"You want me to stay?"

I nodded and she lay back down next to me. My hand didn't leave her and we let our fingers entwine before she looked at me again.

"Santana, say something. Anything," her brow was furrowed as she asked.

I shook my head and squeezed her hand tighter. It was like she was keeping me stable with the simple gesture.

"Do you not want to say anything?"

I nodded at her as I looked straight into her eyes. Maybe she could understand why if she looked into my eyes.

"San," she began carefully. "I know that I can't make you speak but you're gonna have to eventually. I'm gonna need someone to gossip with when we get back to school," she's trying to lighten the mood. It's nice.

"You're voice is too important to go unheard. Try and remember that."

That strikes a chord with me. Someone actually placing genuine value on my opinion is foreign. Even just the notion that they would place value on it is completely unfathomable to me. And she said it, she of all people was the first person to say that my voice matters. But I still don't want to speak, I can't just let the world flow back into me that easily. Instead I keep holding her hand, she doesn't pull away.

Quinn's POV:

_Why isn't she talking? Is she scared? Is this like, some sort of defense mechanism that people who try to kill themselves have? I just want to hear her voice._

I had a million questions but no one to answer them. Santana was scaring me but I didn't let it show, she didn't need another thing to worry about. I let her hold my hand and layed with her in silence. I almost fell asleep there again but my mom's voice echoed through the room and my energy returned.

"Quinnie, Brittany's in the waiting room," she said softly. "Can you go talk to her for a bit? I wanna talk to Santana about the arrangements we've made."

"Okay mom, can I talk to you privately outside for a minute first?" I had to explain Santana's behavior to her.

"Of course," my mom walked back into the hall and I followed her. The second I was out of the room I felt myself start to cry again. I'd been crying to much, I'm ready to be done but I couldn't stop it.

"Mom she's not talking!" My voice cracked as I spoke. "She doesn't want to or something I don't know but she just won't."

My mom pulled me into a hug, "It's okay Quinnie the doctors were talking to me and said that people react differently when they have a failed suicide attempt. I guess Santana's just shutting down. But baby we're gonna help her, she's gonna get a counselor and she has us."

I straightened myself and wiped the tears from my eyes, "You're right, she'll be okay. She has to be..."

"Of course she will, she'll have the support," my mom's voice dropped before continuing. "Did you tell her about your... feelings for her?"

My eyes dropped, "No, I don't think that would be smart. Not yet, not until she's better." I had wanted to tell her so badly, but that wouldn't have been fair. It would have been too much for her.

"I think that's for the best, maybe some day you two can have something but right now Santana probably can't handle that sort of information. Now go talk to Brittany, she doesn't quite understand what's happening. The poor girl looks so lost." I nodded and my mom placed a kiss on my forehead before going to Santana's room.

Walking back to the waiting room was hard. I was going to have to explain what happened to Brittany and explain how Santana was acting. Brittany doesn't understand that people can be hurting like that, she's too happy and honest to. She's just... Brittany.

And there she was sitting in the very seat I'd been sitting when I was waiting for news of Santana. For the first time since yesterday's events I had a genuine smile. She had her large stuffed duck with her. She'd had that since she was just a little kid. She looked up at me when she heard my footsteps, but she didn't smile. Brittany always smiles when someone she know walks into a room. It broke my heart to see her looking sad.

"Hey B," I sat next to her and leaned my head against hers. "How are you?"

"I'm confused Quinn," she said. Her voice was low and lacking it's usual bubbly quality. "What's happening?"

_Crap, that's the one thing I didn't want her to say. But it's an inevitable question._

"Santana was really sad B. She didn't want to be sad anymore and she didn't know how to stop being sad. So she thought that she couldn't be alive anymore," I tried to explain it simply, not wanting to overwhelm Brittany or myself. It wouldn't help her if I started crying hysterically again.

"But Santana never told me she was sad. She never said anything was wrong."

I sighed. "I know she didn't. I didn't know either. And that made her even sadder. She thought she couldn't tell people why she was sad and it just made her feel even worse. I think she felt alone."

"But I'm her best friend, she's supposed to tell me when something's wrong," Brittany was almost pleading.

"Everyone knew Santana was bad with feelings and stuff. She put up a front and acted like... well... a bitch so people wouldn't question her."

"Oh," Brittany trailed off for a moment before brightening up. "Well I brought her my duck. Whenever I'm sad I hug my duck and I feel better, so she won't feel as sad anymore if she has it."

I smiled again at the girls sweetness, "That's awesome Brit, she's gonna love it."

_Shit I have to tell her about the whole not talking thing._

"Before you go see her you have to know something. Santana obviously went through something really big. She's putting up a big wall as a response to everything that's happened."

"What's she doing?" Brittany asked.

"She doesn't want to talk Brit," I explained. "So when you see her she's not gonna say anything. So don't get freaked out. Just talk to her anyway, she'll listen. She just won't say anything back."

"Oh, okay," Brittany furrowed her brow and was thinking hard.

Before I had a chance to keep talking my mom walked back into the room. She looked worn out and worried. She looked like everyone I'd seen lately.

"Hey girls," she put on a fake smile. "Brittany you can go see her now if you want."

Brittany nodded eagerly and followed a the nurse station attendant down the hall, duck in hand. My mom sighed as she watched them go before coming back over to me.

"Quinn we should go home," she held out a hand, knowing I was about to complain. "No 'buts', you need to go rest. You need to eat you need to change clothes you need to sleep in your own bed. And more importantly you need to go to school tomorrow. The rest of the glee club is worried sick and they'd feel better seeing you and quite frankly I think you'd feel better seeing them. Then Santana will come home on Saturday and you can spend as much time with her as you please. But until then she's gonna need to do some evaluations with doctors and start some counseling sessions."

Her face was stern but soft and caring. I knew there was no use in trying to argue. I also knew she right about everything but it hurt to think that I would have to go a whole day without seeing her.

I just nodded and got up, letting my mom lead me out of the hospital.


	4. Chapter 4

Santana's POV:

Judy had brought bittersweet news with her visit. I was glad that I was going to be taken away from my parents but I was going somewhere that I would be hurting just as bad. Except at the Fabray house my pain would only be emotional, no more physical pain. Sure Quinn didn't hate me for how I felt, but it was still going to be so fucking hard to have to _live_ with the girl I was so in love with that it scared me. No, it terrified me that I could feel so strongly for one person. And it made me feel sick that that person didn't feel the same. I'd have to settle for her friendship, maybe one day I'll get over her. Maybe.

"San?" I turned towards the door and saw Brittany with none other than her hude stuffed duck.

Unsure how to respond, I just gave a half-hearted wave and a shrug.

_A shrug? What the hell Lopez._

She walked over to me and sat in the chair next to my bed.

"Hug him and you won't feel so sad," Brittany said as she placed the duck in my bed. I smiled at her and hugged the duck to humor her. She had no idea how much I wished that things were that easy. I wish I could just hug a giant plushy and feel better like she could. I wished I was an open book with nothing to hide nor anything to be ashamed of like she was.

"Quinn said you don't wanna talk cause your sad," she muttered. "I wish you would. If you don't speak you can't sing and you love singing and everyone loves to listen to you sing."

That made my heart break. She was right, singing was one of the few things that had actually made me happy. But singing means speaking and I can't do that. I just can't. Instead of talking like she wanted, I leaned over and pulled Brittany into a hug. I felt her shaking against me, she wanted to cry but was trying not too. I held her tighter.

_Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry._

"Santana you could have told me you were sad," Brittany muttered into my shoulder. "You're my best friend, that's what we're supposed to do. Make each other feel better and talk about things."

_I wish I could've. _

There were so many times I wanted to talk to her. I wanted to show her the covered bruises from where my dad had hit me, I wanted to tell her I was gay, and I wanted to tell her I loved Quinn. But I didn't want to scare her or make her uncomfortable. I was scared that she wouldn't accept me.

_I'm an idiot. How could I possibly think that Brittany would have a problem with acceptance? She may not understand but she wouldn't ever hate me for who I was. My parents were the ones who would hate me, society would hate me, I would hate me._

Quinn's POV:

I couldn't sleep the night I left the hospital. All I could do was lie in bed and think about her. She was there alone right now and I felt guilty beyond measure. This all happened because she felt alone and now she's alone there. I had to keep reminding myself that I would see her tomorrow, Saturday. That's when she'd be coming home. I'll make her happy again. When the time's right, I'll tell her and both of us will be happy. But now she just has to get better, I'll make her want to speak again.

Now here I was, walking through the halls of McKinley for first bell wearing regular clothes rather than my uniform for the first time since I'd been kicked off the squad for being pregnant. Coach Sylvester had actually called off practices for the day, which is almost as shocking as what happened with Santana.

As I walked through the halls in a daze people were staring at me, but never speaking to me. I was the girl who'd find Santana bleeding to death in the Cheerio's shower. People didn't know how to react so they just stared.

"Q, my office," I heard Coach Sylvester's voice behind me.

"I have to get to class," I said, not turning around. I was weirded out by how flat my voice was.

"I've got you excused from first period, come one," her voice was surprisingly mellow. Mellow is not a word I ever thought I'd associate with her.

Without further word, I turned around and followed her to her office. When we entered, she motioned for me to sit down and closed the door before sitting at her desk.

"Is she alright?" Coach asked, concern threaded into her tone. It was weird, but not unwelcome for her to be anything other than a maniacal tyrant.

"I wouldn't say that, but she's fine as far as physical health goes. She won't talk," I trailed off at that.

"What about you?"

_Did Coach Sylvester just take interest in how I'm feeling? _

"No," I was straightfoward and blunt.

She simply nodded before continuing, "I read the note. She loves you." That statement triggered me.

"It's my fault!" I didn't scream but I was loud. "She was scared to tell me, she thought I'd hate her and turn on her. She thought she couldn't turn to anyone and I hate myself for doing whatever it is I did to make her think I'd push her away if I knew!"

"Quinn stop right there," Coach put a hand up. "You can't think like that. You can't blame yourself for how she felt because that's not going to help anyone, especially Santana. If you're going to spend all your time wallowing in self-loathing it's not going to help her. The best thing you can do right now is be strong and focus on helping her feel safe and happy again."

_Coach just referred to us by our actual names. _

I decided not to dwell on Coach's new found compassion and embrace it. After a few moments of silence I spoke again, "At your sisters funeral you said in your speech that you felt like you two were attached at the core by something invisible. And that when she was gone you knew there was nothing left. When I found Santana in the showers I felt something pulling at me like that. I'd never felt that before but it was like she had to be okay or I'd be completely lost. When I thought she was going to die I felt like I was falling and no one was going to catch me. It felt like whatever it was that was pulling at my core was getting weaker, like it was disappearing. I felt completely lost while we were waiting to hear if she was okay. But then when they said she was going to be okay I felt the tug again, but this time it wasn't as frantic. It was just... I felt relieved to know there was still something on the other end to tether me down. Then I realized that the pull had always been there I'd just been pushing it away and not allowing myself to feel it. But now I've felt it and there's no way I can hide from it again."

By the time I was done with my release I noticed that there were tears falling down my face. Coach Sylvester looked somber. She was deep in thought.

"You love her," she finally stated.

"Yeah, I figured that out," I laughed weakly. "I think I've known for a long time, just never wanted to let it be real," I sighed, knowing I was about to open up even more to someone I never thought I would. "People think I got pregnant because I wanted to be with Puck because I was feeling fat and wanted to feel pretty. That's not even close to the truth, but people are idiots and will believe anything."

I laughed weakly and looked up and Coach Sylvester. She was listening intently, her eyes reflecting that she truly cared about what I had to say.

"It was one of Puck's party. They're notorious, even teachers here know about them and how intense they can get. I'd been drinking wine coolers, not that anyone hadn't been. Anyway, I was dancing with some girls on the cheerios and it was all just the kind of stuff friends do. But then I looked across the room and I saw Santana. She was beautiful as always, but she was dancing with some guy. I didn't know why but I started to feel sick while I watched them. I wanted to take her away from him and not let him touch her anymore. I guess I was jealous. I started feeling like I wanted to be the one dancing with her, I just wanted to be near her or even just talk to her. She noticed me staring after a while, she didn't look mad or freaked out... I don't know how she looked. But her seeing me staring made me snap out of a trance. It made me realize that what I was feeling was something I wasn't supposed to feel for a girl. It wasn't anything close to what I'd felt for a guy, not that that was much of an accomplishment, I never actually felt anything real for a boy. I didn't want to feel that way so I went looking for a guy. Puck just happened to be the easiest target for me. Before I knew it I'd let him take me upstairs. I thought that if I did that with Puck it would make my newfound feelings for Santana go away. Obviously it didn't, all it did was make everything worse because I had to go through the pregnancy and all the stress that came with it. Then when that was finally over all my feelings for Santana were still there waiting for me. But I still pushed them away and dated guys like there was nothing else I'd rather be doing. But when I found her and felt the tugging I realized that it's useless to run from how I feel. Maybe Santana had realized she couldn't run too and that's part of why she did what she did. I don't know, I just know that if I hadn't been so scared of how I felt and just told her she wouldn't have been so sad."

_Oh my God I just spilled my guts to Sue Sylvester._

"I'll tell you right now that once you feel the pull it's impossible to walk away from it. But Quinn it's also important for you to know that if you're lucky enough to ever have that feeling, you can't be afraid to embrace it. You can't care what people think because if you try to walk away from it it's going to hurt you so badly. You're tough, you can take whatever crap people throw at you for who you love. I think that in good time Santana will be tough enough to do so too. But I also know that you two aren't going to be in Lima forever, you've got bigger things than that in your futures. Places that offer bigger things tend to not care if two girls are walking around holding hands. People here care because they're angry about being here, about being stuck here where things are small. You two won't stay here much longer, when you're gone you won't have to have your guards up and fight because people will accept you. Not that there won't be a few jackasses out there but those people will be a minority. Promise me you won't walk away from each other because of fear, you can't let people pull you apart, you just can't."

I just nodded, shocked that Coach Sylvester had just dropped that kind of heartfelt knowledge on me. The bell rang before we could do anything.

"You should get to class," she said quietly.

I stood up and walked to the door, "Thanks Coach, it really means a lot."

"I know you all think I don't care, but I do. Don't forget that. If you or sandbags ever need anything I'm here. Oh and don't tell anyone about this, I need to keep up the heartless tyrant to maintain some I'm sure I've shocked you enough today so get out."

I smiled and walked towards my second period. She was right, what we feel is bigger than the small minded people who'll shun us for it. And when Santana's ready I'll tell her how I feel and we can conquer the world. Together.


	5. Chapter 5

Quinn's POV:

The rest of the day went by in a haze. I knew people were talking to me but I just nodded, not really taking in any of it. My mind was preoccupied by thoughts of Santana, mainly her homecoming tomorrow. I felt bad knowing that she was in the hospital without a familiar face to keep her feeling safe and comfortable. But there was nothing I could do to change that, I just had to focus on being ready to be with her tomorrow. That's all I cared to think about right now.

But it was time for the last period of the day, glee club. I wouldn't be able to just sit in the back and be left alone. These were the people who wanted answers and I know them well enough to know that they won't give up. They're going to be persistant in their questions, questions I'm not all too sure how to answer. I also knew they would save it all for me rather than Brittany. No one wanted to overwhelm Brittany like that especially when I knew more than her about it all. I almost considered skipping, but my feet carried me to the choir room and before I knew it I was standing in the door way. The second I walked in everyone's heads turned to me and conversation stopped. I walked in quietly and took a seat next to Brittany who was next to Artie. I was glad that she had him to turn to right now, she needed someone like him.

"Quinn?" Puck spoke up first. "I-i-is she okay?"

"Something like that," This was going to be hard. Puck's question was apparently a green light because before I knew it everyone was throwing questions at me. But a growl from Puck made them shut up and take turns.

"Is she coming back to school?" Tina asked.

"Yeah, probably Monday."

"Is she home right now?" This question came from Mercedes.

"No she's still at the hospital. She'll be coming home with me tomorrow."

_Shit I should have just said home._

"With _you?_" Half the club asked together.

"Yes," I said matter-of-factedly.

"Why with you?" Rachel asked.

"Because that's just how it's going to happen Berry," I tried to sound intimidating to get people off my back. I clearly wasn't up to par because the questions kept coming.

"Shouldn't she be going to, you know, her house?" Finn asked.

"Listen I'm not about to tell all of you everything because it's not my place to tell. If she wants to tell you she will, if she doesn't then tough," I crossed my arms and turned away, signaling the time for questions was over. Luckily Mr Schue arrived at that moment as well to pull the focus from me.

"Okay guys so I was thinking that in light of recent events we need to show that we're supportive," Mr Schue began as he put his briefcase on the piano. "When Quinn needed us we sang a song, and now Santana needs us so I think we should have a ready for her when she gets back."

Everyone voiced their agreement. I thought carefully before speaking up, "Mr Schue while I think that this is a good idea and that she'd appreciate it I also think we have to keep it kind of light. Nothing heavy and depressing, something more fun and light yet still shows that we care."

"Excellent point Quinn, any ideas guys?"

"We should sing the theme song from Friends," Finn said jokingly.

"Wait Finn that's actually kind of awesome," Puck said, nodding slowly. "I mean it's not just meant to be a theme song it's like, a whole song. It's fun, it's uplifting, and it would show we care and stuff."

"I'm actually liking this guys, Quinn?" Mr Schue turned to me.

I smiled and nodded in agreement. "Yeah, I think she'd like it."

_She needs goofy and fun right now._

Santana's POV:

Saturday is bittersweet. I'm glad to be leaving this hospital but I'm scared to be going back into the world. I'm glad that I'll be seeing Quinn but I'm scared to see Quinn. I'm still very much resenting that I couldn't even successfully kill myself and there are definitely moments where I want to try again. But maybe things will get better, I have to hope things will get better. Especially now that I have a new home with a family that will actually care and not beat the crap out of me for no good reason.

Things in the hospital the past two days been strange. I've spent an insane amount of time with this therapist, Dr Hansen. She's alright for a therapist but I still don't want to be there. Going to a therapist is just reminding me that I'm messed up. Besides I just sit there. She tells me that how I feel is normal, that how I'm behaving is normal, everything is normal. I beg to differ but I'm not going to open my mouth to say that. I'm still not wanting to talk, communication is my last defense and I just can't see myself letting it down yet. No amount of therapy can convince me that that's normal.

But I'm done with Dr Hansen now. I don't have to go see her anymore so long as I go to Ms Pillsbury three times a week for God knows how long. It's definitely lame, but it's better than draining the going to an actual therapist. I feel less like something's wrong with me if I'm just with the school's counselor.

"Miss Lopez," A nurse poked her head into my room. "Mr and Mrs Fabray are here for you."

I nodded and stood up. Having nothing to grab, I followed her out immediately to where the Fabrays were waiting.

"Santana it's so good to see you," Judy pulled me into a tight hug the second I saw her. "We already dealt with the release papers so lets head to the car."

I put on a polite smile and nodded, following the two out to there car. The drive was quiet for the first half, but Russel decided to break the silence.

"We made the guest room up for you," he started. "We picked up all your stuff and brought it over, it's in boxes. We would've unpacked but Quinn said you'd probably want to decided where to put what. There's a bed, a desk, some dressers and a closet, a tv. We noticed you had a lot of books so we can get another book shelf so you have enough room..."

He kept rambling, trying to make it known that I was welcome and that they were trying to accomodate me. It was weird but nice. No one had ever been so... considerate of what I needed and wanted.

"Home sweet home!" Russel said, beaming as he pulled into the driveway of the sizeable house. "Quinn should be upstairs, I'm sure she'll help you unpack if you want. Or leave you alone, whatever you want."

Once again, I smiled and nodded. I walked into the house and right away went to where my new room would be. I'd spent enough time at this house to know it inside and out already. The familiarity of it all was nice. I climbed the stairs and went straight to the guest roo- no, my room. The room was larger than the one at my old house, which was a welcome change. Boxes were stacked neatly against the back wall, labeled neatly in Quinn's handwriting.

_She wanted to make this easy for me._

I smiled at the thought, a genuine smile. Knowing she still cared and that my confession in the note hadn't turned her away made me feel a lot better. It still hurt to know I couldn't have her in the way I wanted, but that didn't stop me from craving her friendship.

"Hey," her voice came quietly from the door. "Can I come in?"

I nodded and she closed the door behind her before walking over to sit on my bed.

"Sit with me?"

I sat next to her. She leaned her head on my shoulder and my body was engulfed in fire, a good fire. Her touch was intoxicating.

"I'm so sorry," she whispered. I was confused. "I've been one of your best friends for so long and I didn't even know you well enough to know you were hurting."

_It's not your fault, I got good at hiding._

"How could I never have seen bruises? How could I never have realized that you looked at girls the way most girls look at guys? Santana I could have stopped this all if I weren't such a self-absorbed idiot!" She was crying now.

I put my finger against her lips to make her stop talking. She looked at me and I shook me head.

_It's not your fault, don't even think that._

She laughed, "You say so much even without speaking. I still wish you would though, I miss your voice."

I shook my head.

_Not yet._

She sighed, obviously feeling slightly helpless that she wasn't making much progress with me. I felt guilty once again but I just wasn't ready.

"When you're ready Santana," she finally said with a nod. "Lets start unpacking, make this place feel more like home."

_You being here makes it feel like home already._

I shook my head to clear my mind. I had to stop thinking like that if I was ever going to get better.

Quinn's POV:

Lying in bed that night I couldn't stop thinking about her. We'd spent most of the day unpacking then ordered chinese take out before heading to bed. It had been nice to be with Santana and help her out with setting up her room. I talked to her about little things like school, all the stuff she had, music, movies, anything and everything that would constitute itself as light conversation. I just had wanted her to respond so badly but all I ever got were nods. Her silence was the loudest thing I'd ever heard.

Her not speaking drove me insane. I felt helpless like when I was holding her in the shower room, like there was nothing I could do but watch her slip away. She was still slipping away from me, it didn't feel like things were getting better. The tether that connected me to her felt frayed.

_Loophole! This is brilliant!_

I smiled as an idea popped into my mind that maybe, just maybe she would humour me with. I rolled over and pulled my phone over the nightstand and sent a text.

**Quinn: Do you know that song Misery by Maroon 5? Well you're silence is slowing killing me. Please please respond with more than an emoticon.**

_That just might be pathetic enough to guilt her into talking. Well not talking really but it's progress._

My phone buzzed and I immediately opened it.

**Santana: Thanks for the guilt trip, totally need that right now.**

_Holy shit it actually worked._

I was happy that my plan had panned out but was also hoping she was being sarcastic. The last thing she needed was another thing to feel bad about.

**Quinn: Sometimes you gotta play dirty to get what you want. Why are you even up still missy? It's like... 3am**

**Santana: Can't sleep...**

**Quinn: Well I would offer to come talk to you but you know... The whole silence thing makes that difficult.**

**Santana: Please stop saying stuff like that. You got me texting you (and only you) so no more pressuring me crap it make me feel like a total bitch when I won't do it.**

_Crap I didn't want that to happen._

**Quinn: You're right S I'm sorry. Forgive me? :[**

**Santana: Fine. Hey back when you were visiting in the hospital you said something.**

**Quinn: I said a lot of things you'll need to be more specific :p**

**Santana: You said we were scared of some of the same things. **

**Quinn: Oh, I did say that...**

**Santana: Sneak to my room and tell me a story? I'm all lonely over here and needs me some Quinn cuddles. I know you did that at the hospital so don't even pretend like you don't do that.**

**Quinn: Now who's guilt tripping?**

**Santana: You were being a bad influence, all your fault.**

I smilled and pulled the covers off of my bed, glad to be able to spend more time with Santana. And cuddle with her of course, but in a strictly friendly way. She still wasn't ready for me to drop the 'I love you' bomb.

_Oh shit then what am I supposed to tell her?_

Standing in the doorway of my room I realized that I needed an actual plan if I was going to talk to her about my vague hospital confession. I could totally lie and talk about feeling like I had to play a part, but that's not entirely true I actually liked cheerleading and all those clubs I did. Or I could just be really vague about the feelings for her.

_Got it! You are a genius Fabray._

I'll just tell her I like girls too and that the guys were a cover up, just like her. I just won't go into detail about a certain girl who she knows extremely well. That would give her something to relate to and talk, or text, about with me and I wouldn't exactly be lying. Plus, this wasn't something I'd actually completely admitted to anyone else let alone myself, so it would be good for me too. Terrifying, but good.

_I hope I'm doing the right thing._


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Hey guys! Sorry my updates are getting a little slow but they're still coming. I'm glad you guys could appreciate a little fluff, I for one would have gone crazy, can't have 24/7 angst. R&R!**

Santana's POV:

I had no idea what Quinn was about to come and tell me. Ever since Beth she had started being a lot more open, at least with me, about pretty much everything. What else could she possibly have to tell me?

_Oh God I hope Russel and Judy haven't ever hit her._

The door creaked and I sat in in bed, seeing Quinn's silhouette in the dark entryway. She closed the door behind her and sat at the edge of the bed.

"Hey," she was nervous.

I smiled at her, though in the dark she might not have been able to tell.

_She probably thinks I'm just sitting here staring._

I sat up completely to show her she had my attention.

"I'm not sure how to start a conversation like this, it's not one I've ever had before," she paused, I could hear in her voice that she was scared. I wanted to hold her so she would feel safe, but she would probably feel uncomfortable what with the whole love confession on my part.

"It's not even a conversation I've really had with myself so I'll warn you know I'm just improvising and am probably gonna ramble," she laughed. "Now that I think about it I'm already rambling, aren't I?"

I nodded and smiled, she was flustered. She was cute when she was flustered.

_Stop thinking like that, you know you can't do that anymore._

She stopped laughed and took an a serious tone, "Santana please don't be mad at me when I tell you this. I'm hoping I'm just paranoid and you wouldn't ever actually be mad but there's a part of me that thinks you'll be mad. There's also a part of me that thinks that if you knew this maybe you wouldn't have felt so alone and like you had to... do what you did."

She fell silent again and her ragged breathing was clear. I don't undestand what's scaring her so bad; it's scaring me to see her so scared. Before I could think twice I had pulled Quinn into a hug. Much to my surprise, she didn't pull away. She held on and I felt her tears against me as they ran down her cheeks without a sound.

_What the hell is going on with this girl?_

"Do you know how I told everyone that the reason I had sex with Puck was because I was feeling fat and drunk?" she asked, still holding on to me. I nodded and she continued. "Well I was drunk, but I most certainly did not feel fat. I felt something else and it scared the crap out of me and I thought being with Puck would make those feelings go away. At that party that night I was staring at..." she hesitated, clearly deciding what to say. "girls." She said with a sigh.

_Holy shit is this going where I think it's going._

I pulled out of the hug and grabbed her shoulder. I cocked my eyebrow and looked directly into her eyes. She just nodded and teared up again.

"You get where I'm heading with this right? Please let me know I can stop," she was pleading. She didn't want to talk anymore. I nodded slowly.

"Santana I'm so sorry I didn't tell you, I should have known I could trust you and then if you had known maybe you wouldn't feel so isolated. You would have had someone to talk to about it and none of this would have ever happened. But you understand why I didn't don't you?" Her eyes were filled with desperation.

_You have no idea._

I nodded again, slowly.

Her shoulders relaxed and she breathed a sigh of relief, "It's scary," she laughed. "I can't even imagine having all the other stuff you had to think about on top of this."

_At least you didn't have a specific person, that makes it so much worse, not that you'd know._

I didn't exactly know how to feel about all this information that Quinn had laid on me. I wasn't mad. I think I felt hurt, yeah that's it. I grabbed my phone to type out a text.

**Santana: I'm not mad and obviously I accept that, but could you please go back to your room? I need to be alone, don't be mad.**

She looked at me after reading the message, knowing that I wasn't saying everything I was feeling right then. But she nodded and put on a weak smile, leaving the room as I had asked.

_Did that really just happen? Did Quinn, the girl I'm madly in love with, just tell me she was a lesbian?_

She was trying to be nice, and say something to make me feel better and have someone to relate to. She also seemed like she really needed to tell someone, I mean she was obviously using boys as a cover up like I was. She just needed to get out what she was scared to say, like I was too scared to do. But this make everything worse. She likes girls, I'm a girl, but she doesn't like me. Now it's not being rejected by her just because she's straight, I'm being rejected by her because she just doesn't love me. It's so much worse.

I lay back in my bed and felt tears start streaming down my face. More than ever before, I wished I was dead.

Quinn's POV

_That was stupid, I shouldn't have done that._

Back in my room I was mentally beating myself up for that entire conversation. I did it wrong. I shouldn't have done it so soon and I should have thought through it more. Then I cried to her! I made this about me and my problems with what I am when it was supposed to be about her. I was supposed to be confident so she would see that it's okay. Now she sees that I'm just as scared as she is. I basically waltzed in there and made her see that I had a problem with who I was which probably didn't help with her self esteem either.

_I'm an idiot. At least I composed myself long enough to remember to omit the part of loving her, but I still pulled a serious Finn._

Guilty was an understatement. I just created an ever bigger problem.

_Calm down Quinn maybe you're overreacting. Maybe she just needs to let it sink in, it's late and we're both tired. It'll be okay._

But I doubted that. If she was cool with what I'd just said why would she have asked me to leave? She wouldn't have wanted to be left alone if something wasn't wrong. She didn't say she was tired and wanted to sleep she said she needed to be _alone_. Yes, there's no way to sugar coat it- I just fucked up big time. And I have to fix it.

_Tomorrow you can fix it, go to sleep so you can be rested enough to think of a real solution._

Santana's POV:

Sunday morning was eventful in the Fabray house. Going to church was a big ordeal for them. They actually enjoyed it and saw it as something fun to do, as something they looked foward to every week. Back in my house we went to church of course, but it was because we had to. And our church instilled a sort of fear of God. Based on what Judy was saying while trying to convince me to go this was as liberal a church as you could find in Ohio. They had a sense of community and believe in a loving, accepting, and not so vengeful God. It sounded nice, but foreign.

Judy eventually backed off and let me stay after me spending twenty minutes shaking me head as politely as I could at her. I just don't feel like I belong in a church right now. Maybe I'll go again one day, but right now I'm not the kind of person who should be strolling into a church.

Because I declined their invite, they called over Brittany to stay with me for the duration. The doctors told them I shouldn't be left alone like that for the first few weeks at least. I understood that, I honestly don't know what I would do if I were left completely alone with my thoughts. With Brittany around there was no way I'd try something, I couldn't do that to her. Just then I heard the doorbell.

"Quinnie let Brittany in!" Russel yelled from the kitchen.

I heard feet scurrying across the house and the sound of the front door opening and closing. Even from my room I could hear the Brittany and Quinn making small talk and greeting one another. But then Quinn's voice dropped and I couldn't hear her anymore.

_What are they talking about?_

Before I could start making theories about why Quinn had started talking quietly I heard Judy yelling up at me from downstairs.

"Santana we're heading out! We'll be back in three hours, Brittany's coming upstairs!"

I heard the front door close as Brittany worked through my door, her usual bright smile plastered on her face.

"Hey S!" She practically skipped over to my bed and sat down next to me. "What's up?"

I looked at her and just shrugged, not able to think of any elaborate motions to describe the utter heart break and rejection I was actually feeling.

"Still not talking?" Her smile faded fast. I felt guilty, an emotion I'd been becoming more and more acquainted with lately.

I just nodded and gave her a weak smile.

"It's okay, just try to talk soon I miss hearing you make fun of people." We both smiled at that. The bitchiness was in large a front on my part but I naturally had a lot of attitude that was very real. "Do you wanna watch a movie? Then we don't have to talk."

I just nodded and pointed to one of the unpacked boxes labeled 'dvds'. She hopped up and went through the box for a few moments before pulling something out.

"We used to watch this all the time when we were younger," she flashed the Lion King at me and I nodded, pointing to the tv.

Brittany put the dvd in and pressed play. She sat down as the first song began to play.

"We used to sing all the songs together," she said quietly, her voice had a somber tone. "We learned all the words."

I nodded, feeling more and more guilty by the second. In an attempt to make her feel better, and me better too, I rested my head against her shoulder and wrapped an arm around her. She relaxed into my hold and hummed along to the songs if we watched. To most people this would seem like a romantic positioning, but with Brittany it's just hanging out with Brittany. Anyone could attest to how much of a cuddler she was and no one could ever turn her down. It was just her way of showing that she loves someone in a platonic way. Sitting like this with her made me feel relaxed.

People always thought Brittany was simple or couldn't stand up for herself but being here with her I felt safer than I had in a long time. She didn't expect anything, she didn't judge, and she knew that I didn't want to talk right then and respected it. I could just let my guard down completely and for the first time in far too long I felt at ease. Not even Quinn could give me that, at least not right now.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Hey guys, sorry that this is short I just needed a little set up chapter. **

Quinn's POV:

All throughout church the only thing I could think about was last night. The conversation that I so royally messed up with kept replaying in my mind. I kept beating myself up and thinking of what I should've said. I also knew that I had to fix the damage I'd done. But first I'd have to figure out exactly how she was feeling about things which was really hard considering that she won't speak.

_I swear she's the only person out there more stubborn than me._

But now we were finally home and I hadn't come up with a single solution to my problem. I had, however, figured out that I need to talk to Santana right away to see how she was feeling today. I walked upstairs the second I got home and opened the door to Santana's room.

_How typical of those two._

Brittany and Santana were curled up against each other sleeping on the bed. I smiled at the sight, it was good that Santana had Brittany; she really needed someone she could just relax like this with. I looked over at the tv and saw that the menu screen for the Lion King was on.

_I should've figured they would watch this._

I walked over and turned it off before leaving the room to let them sleep. Talking to her could wait, I needed more time to think things over anyway.

Back in my room I sat at my vanity mirror and looked at the photos stuck into it. The first one that caught my eye was a photo of me and Puck. It was in glee club when I was seven months or so pregnant. We looked happy and I could see from the look in his eyes that he loved me. Throughout that whole pregnancy and awhile after I tried so hard to love him. I wanted to love him, he was actually a good guy and really stuck his neck out for me. If it weren't for the whole lesbian issue I really think I would have loved him.

I laughed as memories of Santana and I fighting over Puck flooded into my mind. That first night we baby sat Santana was sexting him. I'm not sure what made me more angry, the fact that the father of my child was messing with another girl while trying to be with me or that Santana was giving her attention to him and not me. Now that I think about me, maybe she tried to take him from me because she just didn't want to see anyone else with me. Actually, now that I think about it, all the problems the two of us have ever had were probably based off our feelings for one another and the jealousy that it brought.

_Except for the whole boob job fight, I was just desperate to be back on the Cheerios then. She didn't need it though, I mean not that they don't look great now but they looked great before too..._

I shook my head and chased away those thoughts. If I was supposed to be keeping myself from telling Santana about my feelings for her then I probably shouldn't torture myself by flauting them mentally. It would be easier for me to try not to think of her like that until she's ready to hear it.

"Quinn?" I heard my door creak open as Brittany's voice fell upon me.

"Yeah B?" I spun around in my chair and faced her.

"I just wanted to say hi before I left, I have to get home."

"How is she B?" I blurted out.

"She's asleep right now. We watched the Lion King and fell asleep. That's about it, she still won't talk to me," Brittany's face fell when she said that, she hated Santana's silence as much as everyone else.

"Oh," I nodded slowly. "Did Santana or anyone else ever tell you why Santana did what she did?"

"No, you just told me she was sad," Brittany explained.

"Hmm," I mumbled. I almost told her why but decided against it. "Well Santana can tell you when she's ready."

"Quinn she's scaring me."

_You're not the only one who feels that why._

I felt my heart aching as I looked at Brittany's eyes which were glistening with tears she was fighting to keep from falling. I got up and pulled her into a hug.

"She's gonna B okay," I said with as much confidence as I could. I honestly wasn't sure if she would be. "Right now all we can do is be there. She needs someone like you who she can just watch movies with and fall asleep next to. Just be there for her and she'll get better, okay?"

"Okay." It was all she said as she pulled out of the hug and wiped her eyes. "I gotta go Quinn, Lord Tubbington is expecting me."

Before I could get in another word Brittany was gone. She had obviously wanted to get out and get out fast.

_Crap now I have to worry about her too. This is a lot for her. It's a lot for everyone._

I sighed and grabbed my phone, shooting Santana a text for when she woke up.

Santana's POV:

I was jolted out of sleep by my phone buzzing on the bedside table. Quinn's name was flashing on the screen when I grabbed it.

**Quinn: Hey S, just wanted to know if you were okay. You seemed a little... idk last night after our convo. Brittany said you were asleep so just text me when you wake up. Or you could come talk if you're feeling up to it :p**

I didn't want to tell her the truth. I would probably come off like even more of a crazy jealous bitch if I did. If I wanted her off my back I'd just have to tell a little white lie.

**Santana: Don't worry Q I'm okay I just really needed some sleep.**

**Quinn: Oh okay. Do you want me to come to your room? We could hang out, watch another movie.**

**Santana: I actually wanna sleep a bit longer and unpack a bit. Some me time sounds good right now. Maybe later.**

**Quinn: K, sleep tight : ]**

I hated lying to Quinn, especially after all she's done for me. Not to mention lying to keep myself from having to confront my actual feelings has a lot to do with why I always feel so terrible. But confronting my real feelings has always been a weakness. Sure talking would probably make me feel better in the long run, but it's scary as hell to do.

_There is one thing that can make me feel better..._

I smiled to myself and shot out of bed to grab my wallet. I flipped it open and pulled out a card in the back, my fake I.D. I hadn't used it in a long time, but today was a special occasion. I needed a way to feel better without scaring myself. I quickly threw on some clothes and looked out the window.

_I could make that jump down and climb back up, easy._


	8. Chapter 8

Quinn's POV:

It had been an hour since my parents left to go to dinner with some friends from church. They'd left me and Santana alone for a few hours to make dinner for ourselves. I hadn't seen Santana all day so I figured she would be hungry by now. I walked to her room and knocked on the door.

"Hey Santana? Come make food with me!" I called through the door. There was no answer.

_Oh that's right she isn't talking._

I reached for the knob and tried to turn it. It was locked. She's not supposed to lock it.

"Santana!" I banged on the door loudly. "Let me in! You know that you're not allowed to lock the door!"

Still no response. Needless to say, I started to panic. I ran into my room and grabbed my wallet, pulling out the credit card my parents had given me for emergency use.

_This is the emergency they had in mind.._

I fumbled with the card when I got back to Santana's door. My hands were shaking, making it that much harder to slide it into the door.

_What the hell is she doing in there? What if she tried to hurt herself? How long has the door even been locked?_

The second I heard the door lock click I dropped the card and threw the door open. Immediately I was hit by the smell of alcohol. I looked to the bed and saw Santana staring at something in her hand, a photo. On the bed next to her was an empty bottle of vodka.

"Jesus Christ Santana!" My voice cracked as I ran over to her. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

She jumped in her seat when I grabbed her arm. She had been completely oblivious to my presence in the room before I touched her.

"Oh hey Quinnie," she slurred.

_Holy shit she's talking._

"Santana," I softened my tone. "Why did you do this?"

She gave me a loopy grin and handed me the photo. I took it and tried to steady my hands enough to actually look at it. It was a picture of the two of us in our cheerios uniform. I was kissing her cheek and she was beaming and blushing.

"Q," she tapped my nose. "I thought you liked boys so I knew you couldn't love me back. But you like girls, just not me. I'm not good enough or something." She was slurring her words to the point where I could barely understand them. I felt tears welling in the corners of my eyes.

_Crap I made things even worse by just telling her I was gay._

"Santana how much did you drink?" I asked.

"Some vodka," she hiccuped. "And a few beers. Relax Quinnie you drink too no biggy."

"Yeah Santana I drink at parties not by myself locked in my bedroom," I was trying not to get mad, knowing all too well that she was too drunk to hear logic. "You can't drink that much S, it's dangerous!"

"Mmmhmmm but I needed a lot," she explained. "Make me feel better cause you don't love me. I love you Q a lot, it's weird." She laughed at her words.

_Now isn't the time to tell her that I do._

"Santana you need to go to sleep, I won't tell my parents if you just go to sleep."

"I don't wanna sleep!" She stood up and yelled. "I wanna go away forever so I don't hafta do this anymore."

I grabbed her arm to keep her steady but she pulled away. "Do what Santana?"

"Keep myself from loving you when you don't even want me," she was getting angry. "Why didn't you just let me die? That's what I wanted, I still want it."

I couldn't hold back tears anymore. I was scared of what she was saying and didn't know how to stop it, "Santana! Stop saying that you don't mean it."

"Hmmm yes I do," she stumbled as she said this. "If you had just let me die I wouldn't hafta look at you everyday and know you're not mine."

"Santana Lopez sit down!" I stood up and yelled at her, wanting more than anything to get her to stop talking.

"Lucy Quinn Fabray!" she laughed. "Just lemme alone. Just leave the house for ten minutes and I can be gone."

_She didn't mean she wanted to try to kill herself again, did she?_

"God damn it Santana!" I yelled through a sob. "Sit down on the bed and go to sleep! You're not thinking straight!"

"That's the problem sweetie," she tried to look me right in the eyes but couldn't keep her balance long enough to maintain it. "I'm too gay to think straight. You're making it impossible for me to think _straight._"

I knew that there was no use trying to talk to her anymore so I went over to her and grabbed her firmly, attempting to push her down on the bed. To my surprise, she pushed me away with a shocking amount of force. I fell backwards and luckily landed on her bed.

"Don't fucking touch me!" She screamed. "It hurts when you do!"

I was in shock on the bed, unsure of what to do next. I just watched as she picked up the empty bottle of vodka and flung it against the wall. I flinched as it shattered.

"Santana please," my voice dropped and I was pleading. "Please just sit down with me."

"Nu-uh," she shook her head and spun on her heel. However, she was too drunk for such a manuveur and fell down. I jumped up immediately and ran to her side.

"Santana!" I grabbed her shoulders and shook her.

"Go away," her voice was muffled by the carpet that her face was buried in.

_Okay so at least that didn't hurt her._

I looked at her and noticed that she was shaking. Before I knew it her body was racked with sobs. I took advantage of the moment and pulled her up, draping her arm across my shoulder, and practically carrying her to the bed.

_God for such a small girl she sure can be a dead weight._

The second she hit the bed she curled into her self and continued sobbing into the pillow. I took a deep breath before sitting down next to her. She immediately flipped to face me and pulled me into her, burying her face in my neck. I ran my fingers through her hair in an attempt to calm her.

"It's okay Santana," I whispered. "It's okay.

I felt her shaking her head, "No it's not," she choked out.

I sighed, knowing what she wanted to hear but decided against saying it. I wasn't about to confess my love to her when she wasn't sober, "Santana please just sleep, we can talk tomorrow."

She pulled her head up and grabbed my arm, her fingernails digging into my skin, "Don't leave, please."

I nodded and kissed her forehead, "I'm not going anywhere."

Santana buried herself in my neck once again. I lay with here and stroked her hair until I heard her ragged breaths even out. Finally she was sleeping.

_I have to tell her, she'll hurt herself if I don't._

Santana's POV:

_What the hell?_

I opened my eyes and found that I was buried in blonde hair. Before I could even give that a second thought I felt my head throbbing.

_Oh God bad hangover._

I groaned loudly, louder than I had anticipated. The noise must have woken Quinn because I felt her stir next to me.

"You're finally awake," Quinn grumbled, sounding annoyed. "And before you do that head shaking crap you spoke quite a bit yesterday so you might as well give up on the silence thing."

_Crap I did. I said a lot of things..._

"I'm sorry," I said weakly, keeping my face buried in Quinn's hair. "I know you're gonna wanna talk about it but could you please get me some aspirin?"

"It's on the bedside table," she said. "And I already talked to my mom we can skip school today but we have to go tomorrow."

Reluctantly, I sat up and helped myself to the pills and water that had been left for me. As I downed the pills, I began to try and recall the previous night's events.

_I fucked up. I must have scared her so bad, I didn't mean to ever let her know I felt like that._

I lay back down next to Quinn, keeping my distance in case she was mad. Apparently she wasn't too mad because she wrapped her arms around me and pulled me back into her. Her scent flooded through me, it was intoxicating.

"Santana do you remember anything you said last night?" she finally asked.

"Yeah," I trailed off. "I'm sorry if I scared you."

She laughed weakly, "That's an understatement. You just kept going and going and wouldn't shut up. You said really terrible things Santana, I was afraid you were gonna try to hurt yourself."

_Crap I never wanted her to feel like this._

"I would never do anything like that in front of you."

"That's not the point Santana!" I was startled by the anger in her voice. "It's not about me seeing you hurt yourself it's about the fact that you would even feel like you wanted to hurt yourself!"

"I-I-I," I stuttered but was cut off before I could continue.

"No Santana I listened to your rant last night now you listen to mine," her tone was harsh and I didn't make a move to interrupt. "I don't know if you actually wanna hurt yourself or if you were just saying that because you were drunk. It kills me to think you'd try anything like that again. But what I do know is that you're obviously hurting. People don't just get drunk in their rooms by themselves, especially not people in your situation. If you were bored you would have asked me to hang out with you or something. But for some reason something happened that made you want to escape by drinking an obscene amount of alcohol- which by the way I have no idea how you got. I know that that much is true, and I want you to tell me why you did it. You said some things last night but I wanna hear your sober reason for doing what you did."

I was shocked by the forcefulness of her voice. She was angry and scared and a million other things all at once. I couldn't lie anymore.

"Quinn when you told me that you were into girls it made everything worse than it had been before," I sighed before continuing in an attempt the steady my shaking voice. "Before I thought I couldn't have you because you were straight. But now I know that you like girls. That means that it's not about me being the wrong gender it's about me being the wrong person all together, it's about the fact that you just don't love me. I just needed to escape that last night, I'm sorry if I scared you."

She sighed and rested her chin on top of my head. "Santana you can't make assumptions."

"What's that supposed to mean," I asked.

"It means exactly what I said and we're leaving it at that for now," she said forcefully yet gently at the same time. I knew not to argue. "Right now you're going to promise me that i you ever feel that badly again you will talk to me instead of getting plastered like an idiot."

I flinched at the harsh tone before muttering, "I promise."

"Good, one last thing though. How serious were you last night? About the still wanting to..." she hesitated. "Die thing."

"I..." my voice trailed off. "That was the heat of the moment, I wouldn't do that to you."

She smiled and heaved a sigh of relief, "Okay. Just let me in Santana I'll never judge you."

We layed together in silence for the rest of the morning. I played through our conversation countless times.

_I shouldn't make assumptions... She couldn't possibly mean... Maybe she could._

I smiled and let myself feel happy and at ease. Maybe she does love me.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Sorry if that last chapter was a little bleh, cause I felt like it was a little bleh was I finished. Lemme know what you guys are thinking I haven't gotten reviews lately. Also sorry I didn't really establish this before but Quinn's dating Finn right now (he's her big gay beard, little to his knowledge). I know he should have been talking to Quinn about everything and stuff by now but I got a little sidetracked by the other aspects of the story so my bad.**

Quinn's POV:

No person in the world could scare me more than Santana Lopez. I felt like I could never know what she was going to do next because despite what she told me to keep me happy I knew she wasn't truly letting me in. There was something else there and it was terrifying to think of what she would do if she kept it to herself.

_You should have just told her you loved her instead of beating around the bush._

That's a thought that had been playing through my head all day as I sat in classes on Tuesday. But at the same time I wondered if starting a relationship right now would be a good for her. A very dominant part of me thought that that would be too much stress for her. Plus there was the whole Finn problem on my end, just because I knew I was gay doesn't mean I was ready for the whole school to know so I had to keep up appearances. I couldn't just dump him one day and show up with Santana on my arm the next, that's just not something I'm ready for. It's probably safe to assume that she's not ready for that either.

Finally the bell for last period rang and I was able to head to glee where we would all be surprising Santana with the dorkiest thing our club had ever done. When I walked into the choir room everyone was already there, including Santana who was sitting silently next to a protective looking Brittany. I gave a smile to Finn, who had waved at me, before sitting down next to the two best friends.

"All right guys shall we get right into our number we prepared?" Mr Schue clapped his hands together at the front of the room to get everyone's attention.

"Yeah lets do it!" Artie fist pumped and rolled out to the center of the room as everyone followed him. Santana shot me a confused glance, clearly wondering what she should do.

"Just listen," I whispered to her as I got up and joined my fellow glee clubbers.

Puck slung an electric guitar over himself as he spoke, "So Santana we just wanted to welcome you back and say we're glad you're okay. We all love you and we just wanna remind you that we're totally a family to you."

Santana just grinned and laughed as Puck began playing the very familiar opening riff to the song. Brittany and Mike began dancing as Tina sang out the first chorus.

_So no one told you life was gonna be this way_

_Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's D O A_

_It's like you're always stuck in second gear_

_When it hasn't been your day, your week_

_Your month or even your year but_

Everyone joined together for the chorus.

_I'll be there for you_

_(When the rain starts to pour)_

_I'll be there for you_

_(Like I've been there before)_

_I'll be there for you_

_('Cause you're there for me too)_

Finn and Puck tag teamed the second chorus.

_You're still in bed at ten and work began at eight_

_You've burned your breakfast so far things are going great_

_Your mother warned you there'd be days like these_

_But she didn't tell you when the world_

_Has brought you down to your knees that_

_I'll be there for you_

_(When the rain starts to pour)_

_I'll be there for you_

_(Like I've been there before)_

_I'll be there for you_

_('Cause you're there for me too)_

I took over the chorus, no one else but Santana and I knowing just how true the words were for us. I kept eye contact with her the entire time.

_No one could ever know me, no one could ever see me_

_Since you're the only one who knows what it's like to be me_

_Someone to face the day with, make it through all the rest with_

_Someone I'll always laugh with_

_Even at my worst, I'm best with you, yeah_

Artie sang the pre-chorus before we all finished the song together.

_It's like you're always stuck in second gear_

_When it hasn't been your day, your week_

_Your month, or even your year_

_I'll be there for you_

_(When the rain starts to pour)_

_I'll be there for you_

_(Like I've been there before)_

_I'll be there for you_

_('Cause you're there for me too)_

_I'll be there for you_

_(When the rain starts to pour)_

_I'll be there for you_

_(Like I've been there before)_

_I'll be there for you_

_('Cause you're there for me too)_

Everyone was laughing and clapping as Puck finished the final riff. Brittany bounded over to beaming Santana and pulled her into a hug.

"Santana I know it's goofy because it's the Friends theme song and all but we really mean it," she said as she pulled away.

Santana smiled again and wiped a tear from her eye that had fallen despite the effort I'm sure she made to prevent it from doing so. "Thanks you guys, I won't forget it."

"Any time Santana, we all love you," Finn said as he threw him arm around me and kissed my cheek. "And just for the record I totally suggested this song, right babe?"

_Shit, talk about bad timing for any displays of affection towards me._

I smiled weakly as I tensed, noticing Santana's face instantly fall as she saw me and Finn, "Totally, it was a good song to do."

Mr Schue stepped up to the front of the room, "Wow guys not only was this a gesture that shows just how much of a family we've become, it was also a very well done perfomance vocally."

Rachel started to ramble about how that was no thanks to vocal warm ups she'd started making everyone do when suddenly Santana stood up and started towards the door.

"San where are you going?" Brittany asked, her eyes clouded with worry.

"I uh," Santana replied with a monotone voice. "Place and uhh, yeah."

When she left everyone was left speechless, slightly uncertain of what had happened.

"I thought she liked it," said Mercedes quietly.

"She was all smiles a minute ago," thought Kurt aloud. "What just happened between the end of our song and now?"

"Quinn maybe you should go talk to her," Mr Schue said after another moment of silence.

I nodded and ran out of the room, hoping to find Santana.

_I'm such an idiot. Why didn't occur to me that she would be hurt by seeing me with Finn?_

Santana's POV:

The song they had all sung to me had genuinely lifted my spirits and made me feel like I actually had a group of people who truly cared about me. For a moment, I actually felt silly for ever having been depressed in the first place when I had all this people who would go so far out of their way to keep me happy and safe. But then Frankenteen put his paws on Quinn and all the bad feelings came back.

_But she's gay and unless I'm even more delusional than I thought Quinn basically told me she loved me last night. So why the hell is she with him still?_

I had wandered out of the choir room in a daze, keeping myself together so no one would follow me right away. By the time I was ten feet away from the room I felt the waterworks turn on at full blast. I started running with no particular destination in mind. My feet decided to carry me to the showers of the Cheerio's locker room.I slumped against the damp walls and slid to the ground, sobbing in a manner that could only be described as hysterical.

One thing was for sure, I felt betrayed. I felt more betrayed than the times that my own father had raised his hand to me only to have my mother do the same when I tried to fight back. I felt more betrayed than when my own body couldn't just clunk out and die despite how badly I wanted it to. It's not like it shouldn't have come as a surprise to me to see them, it's not like she was out to the school. I was the only person she'd ever told she was gay as far as I knew. But after all that had happened over the past few days wouldn't she have broken up with him? Wouldn't she have at least not let him touch her like that around me to spare my feelings? Was she really so insensitive that she didn't think that seeing that would break me even more than I was already broken?

_I shouldn't even be alive to feel this shit right now._

"Santana?" a frenzied voice bounced and echoed throughout the locker room. I was too busy sobbing to care enough to respond. "Santana please! Answer me!"

She was getting closer. I cringed, hoping the person I wanted to see most and least wouldn't search thoroughly enough to find me. But she was Quinn Fabray and Quinn Fabray doesn't half-ass anything, apparently that includes searches of locker rooms for people who she just emotionally crushed.

"Thank God Santana there you are," my eyes were squeezed shut but I felt her pull me into her arms. I pushed back, not wanting to touch her when I knew she was just going to let Finn touch her again he second we got out of here.

"Don't!" I spat, surprised at the venom in my own voice. "Leave me alone, Finnocence is probably dying to get his paws on you again and you wouldn't wanna keep him waiting."

I looked up as I felt her cringe next to me, "Santana you know damn well that I don't feel anything for him."

"Then why are you still with him?" I yelled as I lifted my head, letting her absorb the anger in my eyes. "I thought you loved _me_! Isn't that what you meant last night? You're a real bitch for even leading me on like that you know, not that I should be surprised that you have the audacity to do something like that."

"You don't have the right to talk to me like that," she shot back, her tone growing angry. "You can't tell me what to do, I need Finn right now to keep up appearances. You of all people should know all about that." I heard her gasp at herself the second she finished that sentence.

I felt my blood boil at that comment. It was the lowest of blows and just when I thought I couldn't feel anymore betrayed, I felt just that. I stood up and clenched my fists and I ran out of the locker room.

"Fuck you!" I threw over my shoulder as I left. Behind me I heard Quinn burst into tears and curse at herself. She was definitely sorry but I didn't care. Once again I found myself running without a particular destination in mind.


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: I wanna thank everyone who's reading and reviewing because it's awesome to know that I'm actually doing this story justice. Just a warning: everybody buckle up because I am not done with the drama. R&R! **

Quinn's POV:

To say I'm disgusted and appauled with myself is quite the understatement. I didn't mean what I said, I just... snapped.

All this stress had been building up inside of me since the day Santana tried to kill herself and I haven't found an outlet for it yet. I've had to keep up a strong front while she was on an emotional roller coaster. I was on one too but I couldn't show it. She had to be helped before I could even consider asking for it.

Bu today I just went over the edge when she said those things to me. She thought I was lying to her and that's exactly what I was trying to prevent her from thinking. I was trying to go slowly for her sake and in reality I was just helping her dig herself into the deepest of holes. So it was going to be my job to pull her out, once I find her that is.

Santana's POV:

When I finally stopped running I was standing in front of the house- the place I once called home. I didn't have a key so I lifted up the welcome mat and took the spare. The door opened and I stepped in slowly. I was back, back in one of the most terrifying places I'd ever been. As I stared into the living room memories flooded back into me.

_"Santana!" His voice roared menacingly the second he saw me step into the living room. _

_I cringed, knowing all to well what was about to come. Without any explanation he drew back his hand and slapped me across my face, sending me stumbling backwards. I gripped my stinging cheek and stood frozen to the spot._

_"Where have you been?" He yelled at me, inches from my face._

_"I-I-I," I stuttered but he hit me again._

_"Speak up! I'll ask you once again. Where. Have. You. Been?"_

_"At Cheerios practice!" I finally let out._

_He laughed at this for a moment, finding something about it hilarious. "That's what he always say," he lowered his voice to a snarl._

_"Because it's true!" I yelled back this time, knowing the accusations that were about to come. _

_"Santana Lopez!" A new voice came into the conflict. "Don't you dare raise your voice to your father!" She grabbed me arm, nails digging into the skin. She held me in place as my father continued to talk._

_"You're mother and I raised to respect your elders and you speak like that to me?" He stopped and pointed a grubby finger at my face. "But that wouldn't be the first time you dissapointed us and went against how you were raised now is it?"_

_He nodded to my mother and she let go, leaving the room as if nothing out of the ordinary were happening._

_"You weren't at Cheerios," he stated. "You were at some boys house weren't you?"_

_I shook my head but he wasn't having it, "WEREN'T YOU?" he screamed it again, this time the liquor on his breath permeated from him and I knew that because he was drunk things were only going to get worse. "Santana do you think I'm stupid? Do you think I don't know the way that people in this town talk about you? Everyone knows that you'll sleep with any guy who asked, without even questioning it."_

_"That's not true!" I yelled back. I wasn't really the talk of the town, was I?_

_"No son of mine would ever have been such a disgrace to this family," he shook his head as he spoke. "No. My son would be a gentleman who had a nice girl on his arm and had a future ahead of him. Instead I got some slut for a daughter who's going nowhere! What did I do to deserve such an ungrateful daughter?"_

_"Fuck you!" I suddenly yelled, immediately regretting doing so._

_He didn't speak anymore just towered over me. I closed my eyes and gasped as I felt his fist connect with my abdomen. He never punched in places that would leave visible bruises. The Lopez family had a reputation to maintain. I gritted my teeth and he kept hitting, eventually falling to the floor. He put in a few kicks for good measure before leaning down and growling in my ear._

_"I'd rather have no child than a daughter like you."_

When I pulled myself out of that particular memory I felt that tears had fallen. I wiped them away and walked out of the living room, heading upstairs to my old room.

It was completely empty except for my old furniture and a large mirror that was hung up on the wall. I walked over to the mirror and looked into it. My faces was stained with tears and my eyes were red and puffy. I looked weak. I hated it.

Before I knew it I lashed out and punched the mirror, releasing some of the anger that had been brewing in me since the confrontation with _her_ in the showers. I pulled my fist away, expecting to have to go clean out small pieces of glass. Somehow my fist had come out unscathed. Even more surpringly, I resented that I hadn't hurt myself in the process. Along with that realization, I felt myself slipping into a dark place that was all too familiar.

I crouched down and inspected the glass shards that had fallen. After sorting through them I found a piece that looked right for what I wanted. I wanted to let out anger and be in control of the pain I felt. If anyone was going to hurt me it was going to be myself not memories of my parents or Quinn Fabray.

Before I could come to my senses I had pulled back the sleeve of my jacket. I traced the already forming scars on my right wrist. They were defined and ran deep, more severe than anything I was about to do while on the auto-pilot mode I'd entered. Slowly I brought the shard of glass up to the skin a few inches above the mark that started it all. I pressed the glass down so it was barely touching me and dragged it across my skin. Right away blood came to the surface. It stung. It felt good. So I did it again.

I had put three new cuts on myself before I tossed the glass aside. I watched the blood from them all pooling together and felt myself smile. Then I laughed.

_I'm in control. No one else, just me._

I was pulled out of whatever dark world I'd entered by my phone buzzing in my pocket.

**Quinn: Santana where are you? Please don't ignore me I'm sorry I didn't mean it just tell me where you are.**

I was about to text back when I noticed the blood that was starting to dry on my arm.

_Shit, shit, shit. I can't believe I did that._

Immediately I felt sick to my stomach. This wasn't progress, this was one hundred steps back after I'd just barely started to take on forward. I pulled down the sleeve of my jacket, choosing to ignore what I'd just done and texted back to Quinn.

**Santana: Chill I'm on my way home. **

I stood up and walked out of my room and house without a second glance at anything. It was a mistake going back, everything that had happened in their was a mistake. But my anger at Quinn made me want to make mistakes and I couldn't help myself. I shivered as I walked down the street, it was getting cold. My phone buzzed again.

**Quinn: Tell me where you are I'll give you a ride.**

**Santana: Yeahh, no. I'll be home soon.**

That was all the explanation I was going to give her. I was done feeling angry at her, now I just felt hurt beyond measure. There was no way I was wrong in my thinking last night. I complained about how she didn't love me and she said not to make assumptions. What the hell else could that _possibly_ mean besides she does in fact love me? But if she did love me she wouldn't be parading herself around with Frankenteen right in front of my face. She may be a bitch sometimes but she isn't cruel to the people she loves and she's supposed to love me.

_I have no idea what anything is anymore._


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: Hey guys. I hope you'll be cool with this chapter because I kind of needed to go into some feel good stuff because writing angst is... angsty haha I can't do it forever I need some happy joy and what not. So I'm sorry if this is a fast plunge but yeahhh. r&r!**

Quinn's POV:

After what felt like hours of pacing my room I heard someone opening the front door. I was unsure of whether it was Santana or my parents but when my bedroom door burst open that question was immediately answered. Before I knew it Santana's hands were on my face and I was pulled into her. Our lips crashed together and she kissed me, desperation pouring from her. Part of me wanted to resist but this was something I had wanted for a long time and I wrapped her in my arms, kissing her back and pulling her impossibly closer. Santana finally pulled away with a gasp and I could see the tears that were cascading down her cheeks.

"Quinn I'm sorry," she breathed out before pulling me back into another kiss.

This time I pulled out of the kiss and pulled her head into my neck, letting her cry against me. I was confused on what to say next because I was planning on being angry at her but now, I just don't know.

"I'm not crazy am I?" Santana asked, her voice muffled. "I haven't been making it up?"

I was even more confused now, "What are you talking about?"

"You love me back don't you?" She looked up at me. I couldn't help but notice how small she looked.

I sighed, "Yeah." It was the first time I'd admitted to her and it felt good. I had wanted to wait longer to tell her because I thought that was the right thing to do. Obviously I was wrong about that because it was killing her not knowing how I felt about her.

She was clearly exhausted, depsite her relief so I guided her to the bed and lay down next to her. She immediately latched her arms around me and I put mine around her, letting her bury herself against me. As I watched her falling asleep against me I saw how broken she truly was. I hoped that telling her how I felt was the right step towards finally helping to put her back together again.

_I have to talk to Finn._

I knew that I couldn't keep up with Finn as a beard if I wanted her to get better. No matter how minor anything I did with him was it killed Santana. It wasn't about my appearance anymore, it was about her getting better and me not caring what other people think. I grabbed my phone to text Finn. It was time to suck it up and start really fixing things.

**Quinn: Call me when you have a few minutes to talk.**

The moment I sent it the guilt started. I felt terrible for using Finn like that. He really was a good guy and deserved someone better. Before I could keep guilting myself my phone buzzed. I got up to leave the room but Santana grabbed onto me.

"I'll be right back," I whispered as I kissed her temple before being released from her arms. I walked downstairs to the kitchen and answered.

"Hey Finn," I said. "Listen I need to talk to yo-"

"Quinn I cheated on you with Rachel!" he blurted out, fear and guilt in his voice. I stayed silent for a moment before starting to laugh. "Quinn? Are you okay?"

"Finn this is just too perfect!" I said, starting to feel relief.

"Oh God please don't kill me," he said.

"No I'm not joking! This actually works out quite well and makes my life a lot easier. I was calling to break up with you anyways," I explained.

"You were? Wait why?" he just sounded confused now.

"It's not you Finn you're a great guy," I said, trying to reassure him. "You should be with Rachel. You'll see soon enough why I wanted to break up, just please don't be angry and I'm sorry in advance. Please don't question it." Finn wasn't always the brightest guy around so I knew he'd just stammer for a bit and let it be.

"I uh, umm," I was totally right about that. "Okay, I guess. Are you sure you won't be mad if I were to start dating Rachel?" he asked.

"I promise Finn," my tone was sincere. "Do what makes you happy, you deserve it."

"Umm," he stammered again. "Okay, so we're cool? I don't have to be like, scared that they'll be a target on my back or anything?"

I laughed, "Do not worry Finn, we're totally okay."

"Great! I guess I'll see you in glee tomorrow then," I could practically hear his relieved goofy grin through the phone.

"Bye Finn."

I hung up and ran my fingers through my hair.

_Holy crap something actually worked out well and easily for me._

I smiled and headed back to my room, feeling good about taking a step in the right direction. This was good for me and more importantly it was good for Santana. It wouldn't have helped her to see us together in any way. After today I think it'd be devastating to her to see me with someone else. I actually was feeling so good that I didn't care what people thought if I were to walk around with her. Hopefully it was just because of my momentary elation and I'd actually feel this confident tomorrow.

All those feelings of happiness flew out the window the minute I walked back into my room and saw Santana sitting on the bed, running her fingers over marks I could've sworn I'd never seen before.

"Santana..?" I asked carefully as I sat next to her and took her hand. "What are those?"

She took a deep breath, "Don't be mad. I went back to my old house and something happened, I went somewhere bad. It was the same place I went when I tried to kill myself except not quite as bad. I just... I wanted to be in control of some of the pain I was feeling."

My heart broke again for the girl as I saw her eyes. She had a pleading look, she didn't want me to be angry. She looked like she thought I'd hate her. I picked up her arm and kissed her marks before wrapping my arms around her.

"You can't do it again," I whispered. "You find me if you're ever tempted and we'll talk about it."

"I know," she said back. "I just went somewhere really bad when I saw you with Finn. You guys didn't even do anything out of the ordinary but it still hurt me so bad."

"You don't have to worry about that anymore, Finn was who just called and we worked everything out." I felt her body release some of the it's tenseness

"Thank you," was all she could muster.

We stopped talking and just lay together. As I listened to her breathing even out I thought about what the hell I was going to do next. What could I do to help her more?

Santana's POV:

Last night had been intense. When I got home I just ran in and kissed her because I felt like I was literally going to drop dead if I didn't. I couldn't handle having never touched her like that and I just had to. Thankfully she seemed to actually respond well to it. I had thought she was going to be angry for some reason but it was a risk I was willing to take. It was like she was my drug and I'd have risked anything to get my fix. I felt infinitely better when I was able to just fall into her arms and know for certain that she loved me.

_Quinn Fabray loves me! She's mine, no one else's._

I smiled just at the thought as I walked towards the choir room for glee club. There was more of a bounce in my step than there had been in days. I was however still slightly aprehensive about what was about to happen. About an hour ago I had gotten a text from Quinn asking me to promise her that no matter what she did today I wouldn't get mad at her. I did promise though because I feel like I kind of owe her big time, but that doesn't mean I'm not nervous as hell. It's been driving me insane thinking about what she's going to do that would possibly make me mad.

"Santana!" Brittany's chipper voice brought me from my thoughts. "Come sit with me and Artie."

I smiled and walked to sit with her, noticing that Quinn looked deep in conversation with Puck. I watched the two of them as Brittany and Artie made small talk with one another next to me. Finally Quinn looked over at me and gave me a sweet smile which I returned. I was about to wave her over when Mr Schue walked in and started talking.

"Okay guys I want to get started and talk about some possible songs for our regionals set list. We barely scraped by in sectionals so this ti-"

"Mr Schue I know this is important but I really would like to sing something," Quinn's cut him off. "It's important," she added, noticing that Schue's looked hesitant.

"Yeah sure but after we really need to work on a set list," he consented.

Quinn got up and was followed by Puck, who picked up an acoustic guitar.

_They must have been talking about the song._

"Before we start I just wanna say that I mean every word," she looked right at me as she said this. My stomach fluttered and my curiosity peaked significantly. No one else seemed to catch it though.

Puck started strumming and I immediately recognized the song. The moment Quinn started singing I was locked into a trance.

_When I see your smile_

_Tears run down my face _

_I can't replace_

_And now that I'm strong _

_I have figured out_

_How this world turns cold _

_and it breaks through my soul_

_And I know I'll find _

_deep inside me _

_I can be the one_

_I will never let you fall (let you fall)_

_I'll stand up with you forever_

_I'll be there for you through it all (though it all)_

_Even if saving you sends me to heaven_

She was looking at me the entire time and people were starting to notice but I didn't even care. I felt tears pooling in the corners of my eyes as she kept singing.

_It's okay. It's okay. It's okay._

_Seasons are changing_

_And waves are crashing_

_And stars are falling all for us_

_Days grow longer and nights grow shorter_

_I can show you I'll be the one_

_I will never let you fall (let you fall)_

_I'll stand up with you forever_

_I'll be there for you through it all (through it all)_

_Even if saving you sends me to heaven_

_Cuz you're my, you're my, my, my true love, my whole heart_

_Please don't throw that away_

_Cuz I'm here for you_

_Please don't walk away and_

_Please tell me you'll stay, stay_

_Use me as you will_

_Pull my strings just for a thrill_

_And I know I'll be okay_

_Though my skies are turning gray_

_I will never let you fall_

_I'll stand up with you forever_

_I'll be there for you through it all_

_Even if saving you sends me to heaven_

When the song ended she came up to my and kneeled down down and grasped my hands.

"I don't want you to go back to your dark place, I'll keep you out of there at all costs," she whispered. "You find me whenever you start fading out and I'll keep you anchored I promise."

Not caring who saw (after all it's just the glee club kids), I pulled Quinn's face to mine and kissed her. We both smiled into it, ignoring the gasps that echoed around us.

"Oh. My. God." I heard Kurt and Mercedes say in unison as we ended the kiss. Quinn took a seat next to me, taking my hand in hers and smiled at me as everyone else was still in silence.

"I um," Finn struggled to form a sentence. "Is this what you were talking about last night?"

"Yeah Finn," Quinn said. "I hope you're not mad."

"No it's cool," he said. "Thanks for the heads up though."

Quinn laughed and nodded before everyone else started asking questions.

"When did these even happen?" asked Kurt, obviously dying to get the scoop on us.

"It's a long story," I said. I was suprisingly okay with everyone knowing about us but I wasn't ready to give all the details.

"That's a story for another day. But if you guys could just keep this to yourselves I don't think we want the whole school knowing yet." Quinn added, clearly sensing what I was thinking.

"Fair enough," Kurt said with a nod. "But one of these days I'm going to need all the details on my new found allies." He winked at us and I smiled.

"Wow," Mr Schue finally said. "That was... unexpected. But also a beautiful performance on your part Quinn. I could tell that you really meant it."

"I did," was all she said.

"I think that that even has quite a bit of potential to be our solo for regionals!" He said with a smile.

Everyone voiced their agreement. Not even Rachel objected to it, so you know it really was an amazing performance.

"Okay guys so lets start brain storming some more songs," Mr Schue kept talking but I tuned out the second I heard Quinn whispering in my ear.

"I love you, I'm sorry it took so long to tell you. I was trying to protect you but I guess all I actually did was make it worse."

"It's okay," I whispered back. "I understand why you did it. I love you too."

I rested my head on her shoulder and she squeezed my hand tighter. We sat like that, happy for once, as Mr Schue and Rachel argued about duets.


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: Hey guys! I'm glad people seem to be into what I'm doing with the story so yay! Haha. Anyway just for those who were wondering the song I used was Your Guardian Angel by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. It's a rad song check it out. R&R!**

Quinn's POV:

As glee club came to an end everyone rushed out of the choir room to head home minus Kurt, Santana and I. Santana was leaning against me with her eyes closed, tired from a long day. Kurt walked over to us as I nudged Santana to get her moving.

"Ladies," he said with a smile and a nod. "I just want you to know that if you ever need anything I'm there 100%. I obviously don't know what's going on or how this even came to be but just know that I support it and if anyone dares give you trouble I'll be in your corner."

"That means a lot Kurt," Santana said sleepily. "People are assholes and I don't know about Quinn but I could definitely use an ally who understands the shit storm we're about to face."

I smiled at her word choice, her fire was coming back slowly but surely.

"I'm sorry if I'm over-stepping here," Kurt suddently blurted out, he had clearly been struggling with deciding whether or not he should say what he was about to say. "But does have anything to do with... you know, why you did it?"

I felt Santana tense next to me. I squeezed her hand and felt her relax. "Yeah Kurt," she said with a sigh. "Definitely. But I don't wanna talk about it more right now. I know I haven't always been a class act towards you but I trust you so I'll tell you the story soon."

"You don't have to," Kurt cut her off.

"No I want to," she said with a nod, as if she were reassuring herself. "I want the people close to me to know, it'll help me get better and it'll help people understand how to be there for me. Right?" She turned to me as she said it.

"Yeah, it will," I kissed her forehead before she turned back to Kurt.

"Girls night this weekend? All the girls, we can talk about it and get all depressed then eat ice cream and watch crappy movies until we're not bummed out anymore."

Kurt squealed and clapped his hands together, "I love it! I'll make sure to prep my supplies and we can add facials to the mix," he got more serious as he continued. "Santana you're the bravest person I know. What you're doing is really hard I'm sure and I just want you to know that none of us will judge you and we all want to be supportive." He pulled her into a hug once he finished his little speech.

"Thank you," Santana replied as she pulled out of the hug.

"Well ladies," Kurt said with a slight sniffle. "I have to get home but I'll be looking foward to our weekend. I'll make sure everyone gets there you two don't worry about a thing I'm on it." He smiled again at us and left the room.

Santana sighed as we stood up. I wrapped an arm around her waist and walked her out of the choir room, letting her lean against my shoulder. The halls were already empty and we could walk together like a couple without having to worry about people seeing us and judging us. We reached my car in silence and got in. As I pulled out of the parking lot I dropped one hand from the wheel and took Santana's hand.

"I'm proud of you," I said.

"I'm trying. I'm trying really hard. I wanna get better so we can work," she squeezed my hand tighter as she spoke.

"You're not mad about me outing us like that are you?" I asked. She had seemed okay with it but I needed to make sure.

She laughed, "No it's just glee club. I need them, I have to start letting people in." _She's really been thinking hard about this, her heads really clear today. _"The girls night was a good idea right?"

"I think so. They'll love you all the same and they'll be able to be more supportive if they know why you need the support in the first place."

She just nodded and stared down at her lap where our hands were. Her quietness as she played with our fingers let me know that something wasn't right.

"Tell me what you're thinking," I said to her.

"It's just weird," she mumbled. "Having to admit that you need people to help you and take care of you. I always just felt like the protector not the protectee."

I took a moment to think about what she said before replying, "You're still Santana motherfuckin' Lopez! You're still a badass, you're still strong, you can still protect me and you're still amazing."

She burst into a fit of laughter and kissed me cheek, making me blush, as she calmed down. "It's cute when you swear like that. And thank you."

"Anytime S," I smiled at her liveliness that I had missed so much.

Shortly after that talk I pulled into the driveway of my house- no, our house. As I started to climb out Santana grabbed my hand again and pulled me back into the seat.

"I can really protect you?" She asked, her tone a mixture of sincerity and worry.

"You're my big strong knight," I said with a smile and a giggle, knowing that silly things like that would make her happy. She was like a guy in that respect, she wanted be my shield.

"Damn right," she beamed back at me before pulling me into a soft kiss.

We both got out of the car and went into the house. Sitting at the kitchen island we were all smiles for the first time in what felt like forever even though we were doing something as terrible as homework.

_It's going to be okay._

**A/N: Sorry it was all Quinn POV and that this chapter was short. The next chapter will be Santana POV and some lovely sleep over intensity and of course some sleep over fluff. **


	13. Chapter 13

Santana's POV:

The week went by without incident, a very welcome change from the whirlwind that last week was. I went to class and kept to myself and the glee clubbers. Quinn and I kept up a friendly appearance with one another in the halls until glee club where we could act like a couple. No one suspected anything, we were doing a good job of keeping it a secret.

I had my first session or whatever they're called with Ms Pillsbury. That woman is pretty messed up herself but she's nice and I think I'll actually be able to talk to her about it at some point. Talking to adults has always been harder, I'd rather just talk to Quinn but that's not an option. Ms Pillsbury is still better than having to go to some random shrinks office. I should be grateful for having so much support but I still resent the fact that I need support in the first place.

In a few hours that support system was going to be even bigger. Tonight was girl's night and I had promised that I would talk about why I tried to kill myself so they could understand and I could work on being open with other people. I actually really didn't want to do it but I knew it would make Quinn happy. Not to mention if I didn't tell them why they would probably come up with some sort of totally insane explanation on their own and the last thing I needed was for them to be looking at me wondering if was burdened by a life of prostitution or something.

I was lying on my bed and staring at the ceiling when my thoughts were interrupted by a light knock on my door.

"Come in," I called without moving.

The door opened and I felt my stomach flutter as Quinn walked in. She closed the door behind her and walked over to lie next to me.

"Are you good?" she asked. I immediately knew she was talking about my nervousness about tonight.

"Yeah I'll be alright," I reassured her.

She turned to lie on her side and snuggled up against me. "I knew my knight wouldn't be scared."

I smiled and felt myself blushing at her pet name for me. It was the lamest thing on the planet but it was the greatest feeling for me to hear her call me that. It reminded me that even though I was struggling she didn't see me as weak. It reminded me that I could still be the protector I'm supposed to be.

"I never said I wasn't scared," I admitted.

"You're not gonna back out are you?"

"No I'm gonna do it still but it's scary as hell."

"Well you're still being brave and that's what matters," she reached for my hand and squeezed it as she said this. She had already figured out in the short time we'd been together that that was one of the easiest ways to calm my nerves.

"A week ago I would never have thought I'd be willingly letting all my skeletons tumble out of the closet," I said with a weak laugh.

"You're tumbling right out with them," Quinn teased.

"And you're tumbling out with me too," I laughed and gave Quinna chaste kiss.

"Well as long as I'm tumbling out with you I don't mind it so much," she said before burying her face in my neck and sighing. "Can we take a power nap before we head to Kurts?"

"Definitely," I said with a yawn, suddenly realizing that I was tired too. Tonight would be exhausting so I was all too happy for he opportunity to rest.

"I love you," Quinn muttered against my neck.

"I love you too," a smile broke out on my face as I said it. I smiled like an idiot everytime I said it. It felt right.

I lay with my eyes closed and played with Quinn's hair lightly as I listened to her breathing even out. Only then did I let myself fall to sleep too.

By the time we woke up we realized that we were running late to the girl's night. We both had jumped out of bed and showered in record time before running to Quinn's car. Of course as we were pulling away from the house we realized we'd forgotten to grab the overnight bags we had packed. I ran back inside and grabbed them and made it back lightining fast.

Now here we are driving slightly over the speed limit towards Kurt's house as we laugh at each other. Genuine laughter, something both of us cherish at this point in time when it isn't always there.

"Kurt's gonna be all huffy about it," Quinn said as she caught her breath from all the laughing.

"Well we're like the guests of honor and I'm the one who suggested it so they can shove it if they think us being fashionably late is a problem," I joked.

"How Santana of you," she said with a smile. "I like it."

"You still like me when my bitchiness comes out?" I asked half seriously half playfully.

"No," she said flatly.

_That was not the answer I expected._

"Oh," I mumbled, trying not to sound panicked.

"I still _love_ you when your bitchiness comes out," she says as she breaks out into a huge smile. "I had you worried there for a minute."

I lightly pushed her arm and laughed, "Almost gave me a heart attack princesa."

"Princesa?" she cocked her eyebrow as she said that.

I felt embarrased right away and started playing with my fingers, "Uh, yeah sorry."

She took one hand from the wheel and grabbed my hand, "No I like it. Goes well considering you're the knight."

"Almost gave me two heart attacks in one car ride Quinn this is not good for me," I said with a weak laugh as I regained my composure.

"Sorry it's fun to mess with you it's cute when you get all shy and flustered," she said as we pulled into Kurt's driveway.

I smiled as I got out of the car and grabbed out bags out of the bag. Hand in hand we walked to the front door and rang the doorbell. When it opened Kurt was standing there with his arms crossed and his foot tapping.

"Nice of you to join us ladies," he said with a huff.

"Thank you Kurt!" I said, choosing to ignore his sarcasm as I pulled Quinn inside.

When we opened the door to Kurt's room we saw that we were the last to arrive. Tina, Mercedes, Rachel, Brittany, Lauren and Blaine were all sitting on Kurt's massive bed and judging by the looks on their faces someone was in the middle of dishing on some serious gossip.

"I hope you don't mind that Blaine's here," Kurt said as he brushed passed me and plopped onto the bed next to his boyfriend.

"You don't have to worry I can be one of the girls too," Blaine said with a dazzling smile that immediately made me feel at ease with him.

"It's all good the more the merrier," I smiled as I dropped Quinn and I's bags.

I sat down on the bed next to Brittany and Quinn joined me. They all greeted is casually but an awkward silence fell on the room. They knew what I was going to be telling them tonight and weren't sure how to proceed. But I didn't want to start the night with that story and Quinn must have sensed that too.

"So what story did we walk in on?" Quinn asked.

"We're doing some scheming for Mercedes," Blaine said.

"Yeah I haven't really had much boy luck," Mercedes said. Even though she clearly resented that she was still in good spirits. "I mean I was trying to be up on Blaine's man and that obviously didn't work out. Then there was Puck for a little bit and we all saw how that played out."

"Oh my God," I laughed. "I totally almost killed you over him."

"Damn right girl!" Mercedes laughed too. "And as is clear now you didn't really want him in the first place. Then again I didn't really either. We were both being crazy."

"I know seriously," I said.

"If you practically killed Mercedes over a guy you didn't even like I would be terrified to find out what you do if someone was going for someone you actually like," Kurt said with a dramatic shudder.

"I'm with you on that Kurt," Quinn added. "So everyone leave me alone for the love of God!"

We all laughed again before bringing the conversation back to Mercedes.

"So do you have your eye on anyone right now?" asked Lauren.

Mercedes ducked her head shyly and laughed, indicating an obvious yes.

"Spill Mercedes!" Tina said.

"You guys can't laugh because I know it's totally not gonna happen," She looked around at all of us. "But I kinda like Sam."

"Trouty Mouth!" Brittany squealed excitedly.

"We need to make this happen people," Kurt said very seriously. "Operation Samcedes is officially go."

"Hold up Kurt," Mercedes put her hand up. "Lets not be unrealistic here."

"Mercedes you musn't rule him out," Rachel insisted.

Everyone broke out into an arguement against Mercedes trying to convince her that she shouldn't give up before she even started to try.

"Mercedes Sam's a gentleman," Quinn said, finally able to get a word in. "Worst case scenario he just says no and you're just back where you are now. He's not gonna be mean to you about it or anything."

"Quinn's right," Brittany said. "When I asked him to make out so I could have still have a perfect record for the glee club, well at least with the guys, he totally said yes."

"Brit," I said gently. "Now is not the time for that."

"It's okay Santana," Mercedes said with a weak smile. "I think we need a new topic enough of my boy issues."

Everyone voiced their agreement but no one offered up a conversation starter so we sat in a comfortable silence. Quinn put her hand on my thigh and squeezed gently.

"Maybe you should get it over with," she whispered into my ear.

I took a deep breath and nodded. 

_Just rip off the band aid Lopez it's okay._

"Guys," I said carefully, trying to keep my voice level and not let my nerves shine through. "I don't know if Kurt told you why I wanted to do a girl's night bu-"

"He did," Rachel cut me off. For the first time in my life I was glad for a Rachel Berry interruption.

"Oh okay, well I kinda wanna get that part out in the open just to get it over with. Unless you don't wanna hear," I added hopefully.

"Santana," Quinn growled lightly, knowing exactly what I was trying to do.

"It's okay Santana we won't judge or tell anyone else," said Tina.

"I know you don't really know me so I can go hang out downstairs for this part if you want," said Blaine.

"No don't go Blaine," I said truthfully. I didn't really know Blaine at all but for some reason I really felt like he would be a good guy to have in my corner.

He nodded and everyone remained silent, waiting for me to start.

"So umm," I stammered slightly. Quinn put her arm around my waist and pulled my hand into hers. "Well Kurt already figured this part out but part of the reason why I did it was because of how I felt about Quinn. I thought that she wouldn't return my feelings and I didn't know how to make them go away so that overwhelmed me. But the fact that I even liked girls in general was really hard for me to deal with. My parents are total homophobes just like a lot of other people in this town so I was scared of that. People would hate me if they knew. Actually it wasn't just other people hating me it was me hating me too but I think I'm getting better about that already."

I looked over at Quinn who smiled at me and nodded.

"So it was gay panic to the extreme?" asked Blaine.

"That was part of it," I said with a nod. "The burden of lying about who I was to the world and to myself. I was being someone who I didn't want to be to make other people happy and to try to make myself the person everyone thought I should be."

"So like," Brittany trailed off while she thought of what to say. "It was like everyday for you was like the day that Kurt pretended to be all straight and stuff?"

"Yeah B that's a good way to put it," I smiled weakly at my friend. "But that wasn't the only thing..."

My stomach twisted at the thought of what I was about to say. Between Quinn and Ms Pillsbury I was getting used to talking about being gay but this wasn't something I'd actually said things about yet. Quinn knew this too.

"It's okay knight," she whispered to me, so quiet that no one else could hear what she had actually said. That was enough to make me feel like I could actually keep going.

"My parents weren't good," I finally said. "They thought I was a total slut, which I kinda was but not as bad as they thought, and they hated me for it. They had both wanted a son anyway so nothing I did was good enough for them. I tried so hard to be what they wanted me to be but nothing worked. They hated what I was pretending to be but I kept pretending because I knew that they'd hate who I really was even more."

I noticed that I was shaking and stopped talking to try and regain composure. Quinn pulled me into her side and I let myself lean into her as I kept talking to her.

"Long story short my parents were abusive. Not just because of the things they said but they actually would hit me," my voice was shaking now and I decided that I had said enough about the situation for now.

No one said anything. They were busy absorbing what they had just heard. Brittany spoke first.

"You could have told me," she said quietly. "I could've helped."

"We all could have helped," Rachel said from across the circle.

"Yeah I know," I muttered, feeling tears in the corners of my eyes.

"But it's hard," Blaine said. "It's not easy to admit something like that is happening."

"You're safe now that's what matters," Kurt said with a sigh.

"You may be my knight but I'll be damned if your parents ever come near you again," Quinn said.

I smiled and let the tears fall, feeling safe enough with these people to let myself be even more vulnerable than I already was. Quinn pulled me into a hug and I buried my face in her hair and let myself cry it out. As I did I felt another set of arms and someone pressing themselves against my back. I smiled, knowing it was Brittany who was getting in on the action. After another moment I pulled out of the hugs and wiped the tears from my face before smiling at everyone.

"I don't know about you guys but I could use some ice cream and horror movies."

My statement evidently broke the tension because everyone laughed and agreed.

"I got Paranormal Activity!" said Lauren.

"Alright sounds awesome! How about you guys get it set up and Santana and I can go downstairs and get the ice cream," said Blaine, turning to me to see if I was okay with that.

I nodded and got up with him as everyone started talking enthusiastically and getting ready to watch the movie. Once we got downstairs Blaine turned to me.

"Santana I just want you to know that if you ever want to talk about your parents I can listen, I know what that's like," he said sincerely.

I was shocked, I didn't know anything about Blaine but I just wouldn't have expected that. "You mean your parents hit you too?"

"Well actually only my mom did. People always think it's weird when they hear that because they wouldn't expect a mom to be the abusive one. Not to mention I'm not a weak guy so the fact that my mom would hit me is really hard for some people to comprehend but it definitely happened," he explained.

"She doesn't still does she?" I asked, not sure of what else to say.

"She's out of the picture," he said. "One day my dad came home and saw her hitting me, he had no idea she was doing it and I was scared to tell him. A month later we moved here to Ohio without her and I enrolled at Dalton. Now here I am today."

"That's good, I mean that your dad got you away from that," I said. I couldn't help but feel slightly jealous of him at least having one parent who cared. "Does Kurt know about this?" 

"Yeah he and my friends at Dalton know, but I haven't told any of Kurt's friend beside you," he said. "They'll probably know someday but today isn't the day for them to find out."

I nodded as he handed me a stack of bowls and spoons to carry upstairs. "Thank you," I finally said.

"Anytime," he flashed another charming smile before leading the way upstairs.

When we went back to Kurt's room everyone was in high spirits and ready to start the movie. We passed out bowls of ice cream to everyone and talked about Rachel's roller coaster of a romance with Finn while we ate. When we were done Tina turned off the lights and we started the movie.

As the movie carried on Quinn pressed up against me, hiding against me when things startled her. With my arms around her whenever she got scared I felt like the strong protector once again. Sure it was just her getting scared by a movie but I felt good knowing that I could still be the one to keep her feeling safe when she needed it. I was still strong enough to be a safezone for her.

_I'll always be strong enough to keep her safe._


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: Hey guys I hope you liked the sleepover and what I did with Blaine. I just really wanted to make Blaine have some significance in the story because I love Blaine and wanted to have him in there somehow so I thought he could be an ally for Santana. Also the drama will return in a chapter or two so enjoy the fluffiness while it lasts. Anyway R&R!**

Quinn's POV:

When I woke up I quickly noticed that everyone else was still asleep. Blaine and Kurt were on Kurt's bed, Tina and Brittany were head to toe on his couch, Lauren and Rachel and Mercedes were in sleeping bags on the floor, and Santana had snagged the air mattress for the two of us. Santana may have allowed herself to be vulnerable with everyone but she proved that she still was powerful when she won the fight over the air mattress. Even little things that prove she stills has the intimidation factor are good for her self confidence so I was happy she won. My back was also pretty happy about it.

My reminiscing of last night was interrupted by Santana stirring in my arms. I kissed the back of her neck, making her turn around.

"Good morning princesa," she mumbled sleepily, eyes still closed.

"Good morning my knight," I said back, kissing her again except on her forehead this time.

"Did you sleep well? No nightmares from the movie?" she teased.

"How could I possibly have a nightmare when I'm sleeping next to you?" I asked. She smiled and finally opened her eyes when I said that.

"You couldn't," she said as she tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. "You're bed heads really cute."

"You're really cute when you're half asleep like this," I said back.

"Oh God please stop," Mercedes moaned from her spot on the floor, causing everyone else in the room to start laughing.

"I guess they thought we were sleeping," Tina joked from the couch.

"Yeah sorry we didn't want to interrupt but it was getting a little nauseating," added Lauren.

"You guys are just hatin' cause I gots the most beautiful girl in our entire school and I'm the one who gets to tell her how fine she is," Santana grumbled sleepily and pulled me into her arms as I blushed at her comment.

"Santana," I moaned dramatically into her neck. "You're such a sap."

"Hey I'm a badass not a sap," she growled playfully.

"You're Santana," I said matter of factedly. "I'm glad she's back."

"Well she's glad to be back with you."

"Okay," Kurt clapped his hands together and jumped out of his bed. "How about we all go downstairs and get some breakfast started while the two lovebirds get the rest of their sweet nothings out of their systems."

Everyone readily agreed and left the room at record speed, leaving Santana and I still lying down together.

"Just for the record I give you sweet everythings not sweet nothings," Santana cooed with a laugh.

"For such a badass you sure do say pretty cheesy things," I teased.

"You inspire it in me," she laughed and kissed me. "Lets do downstairs I seriously need some food."

She pecked my lips again and jumped up. I whined playfully and stuck my arms up with a pout, indicating that I wanted her to pull me up. She laughed and grabbed my hands, making me shoot up from the bed and stumble into her arms. She pulled me in tight and didn't let go.

"Thank you," she whispered to me.

"For what?" I asked.

"For saving me and bringing me back."

"I don't plan to ever let you go, at least not without a fight," I said back.

Santana laughed before continuing, "Who would of that the two baddest bitches at school would being saying sappy stuff like this? To each other no less."

"Definitely not me," I admitted.

Santana pulled out of our embrace and grabbed my hand, pulling me towards the door, "We really should go downstairs now, everyone's gonna think we're doing it."

I hit her arm playfully and blushed, "Not a chance."

She cocked an eyebrow at me as we walked downstairs, "You make it sound like a bad thing."

"Oh I didn't mean it like that," I trailed off, feeling embarassed by the topic. Ever since that one night with Puck sex was extremely far from my mind.

"It's okay princesa no pressure," she said, feeling that I was slightly uneasy.

Thankfully I didn't have to continue that conversation because Rachel started talking to us the second we were in the kitchen.

"We have waffles!" she said in a sing-song voice.

"Courtesy of master chef Blaine Anderson," said Kurt dotingly from his spot at the kitchen island.

"These better be good Warbler I needs to get my eats on," Santana said.

"Some things are always gonna be the same," Mercedes said with a laugh.

Santana scowled at her through a mouthful of food. I laughed and smiled at her, "Well that's for the best if you ask me."


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: Hey guys just a head up updates are going to be getting a bit slower but of this pesky little thing called life. Also I'm no lawyer or therapist so I have no idea how legit what I'm writing is or if that's how things would actually happen but roll with it please : D**

**R&R!**

Santana's POV:

For the first time in my life I was genuinely happy. That wasn't to say that everything was perfect now because they aren't, but it's the best I've ever known things to be. I'm safe, I'm not lying anymore, and I'm in love.

Ever since Girl's Night two weeks ago I've felt a weight lifted off my shoulders. Now that that weight is gone, I finally realize just how heavy it had actually been. But now I have friends who know the truth and support me and love me regardless. Mr Schue was always talking about how glee club was a family and I hadn't understood it before. Now I do, all I had to do was open myself up and I'd get the best family I could ask for in return. It all makes a lot of sense really, I mean I'd pretty much been a huge bitch to everyone before now and they hadn't really wanted to be my friend. A little attitude change goes a long way (not to say that I'm still not a total badass, because I most certainly am).

I quit Cheerios because I hated it and was only doing it to keep up appearances and now that I don't care about that as much I figured I don't need that added stress. I miss the respect that came with the uniform but people are still pretty intimidated by me so I'm not getting too much crap. Having a girlfriend who's Head Cheerio also helps me keep up a good reputation amongst the people who aren't total homophobes. There's still guys like Karofsky and Azimio and their goons to worry about. When Quinn and I went public the week after Girl's Night they had slushied us. Not that they got away with it, all the glee guys who were on the football team banded together and got some revenge and there haven't been any slushies since; just names and insults but I can handle that for the most part.

Things are pretty good for me but Quinn is another story. Being a cheerleader and a lesbian earns you some scorn in the locker room. The other Cheerios (except Brittany who could care less) keep telling Quinn she can't be there when they change because they don't want her to get any ideas. I wouldn't have even found out about that if it weren't for Brit telling me, Quinn's too proud to admit it. I tried to bring it off and she laughed it off saying they were just poking fun at her in a light teasing spirit. The look in her eyes said otherwise, she was hurting at least a little bit. But try as I might she won't talk about it and I of all people know that you can't push those things, you just have to wait for the other person to be ready to talk.

That's something I learned from my time with Ms Pillsbury. At first I would just sit there and not say anything because it's weird talking to an adult about these things. She would never press me or bombard me with questions. One day I asked her why she was just letting me sit here in silence. She said that no one gets better by force and that they have to do it on their on time. For such a compulsive and weird woman she's actually kind of awesome. I've grown to trust her more than I ever thought I'd trust some adult at school of all places.

Which brings me to know, waiting to be called into Ms Pillsbury's office for my Wednesday session with her. The best part about the Wednesday session is that Mr Schue lets me skip spanish for it, which is awesome considering I'm fluent already and thus renders that class to be painfully boring.

"Santana, you can come in now," Ms Pillsbury pokes her head out of her office door and smiles at me.

I get up and follow her in, sitting at the comfortable chair in front of her desk.

"So Santana," she begins. "Tell me how you've been since I last saw you."

"Things have been good, I've just been working on school and hanging out with friends," I said casually.

"It's good that you've found your place with the glee kids, I'm sure they've been very supportive."

"Yeah, they really have," I couldn't help the smile that crept onto my lips.

"Wonderful," she smiled back.

"Yeah, I don't think things have ever been this good."

"And everything is working out well at the Fabray's?" she asked.

"They've been great," I said enthusiastically. "They got me adjusted really fast, that place is definitely home ot me now."

"Better than your old home I'm sure," she made it sound casual but I knew she was trying to get me to take the conversation in a different direction without being forceful. My old home life was the only topid we hadn't really addressed.

"Well I mean being better than my old home isn't much of an accomplishment," I scoffed. "But yes it's great I'm glad I'm there."

"What exactly about your old home made things so bad?" she asked.

I raised an eyebrow, "What happened to no pushing?"

"I know," she sounded wary. "Santana have the Fabray's talked about what's happening with your parents at all right now?"

"No," I said flatly. "I mean I know they're in jail but that's the extent of it."

"Well they've asked me to talk to you about some things about your parents," she continued. "About they're sentencing trial."

"The what?" I asked.

"Well they pled guilty to battery charges and this weekend they will be recieving their sentences," she explained. "They've asked to speak to you before the trial."

I literally froze, I'm pretty sure that my blood actually stopped flowing for a second.

"They want to _speak_ to me?" I hissed.

"Yes," she stated simply. "If you say yes then you would be taken to visit the holding room before the trial. The decision is completely yours to make."

"Absolutely not," I crossed my arms as I felt the negativity I'd been trying to prevent flow back into me.

"Santana just think about it," she said softly. "I know it's hard but it migh be good for you, help you with the recovery process."

"What would help me with the recovery process is to know that they're in jail and that I don't have to see them again," I shot back.

"Like I said, just think about it and it's totally up to you. Talk to the Fabray's about it, they want to be there for you."

"Can I go please?" I asked without making eye contact.

"We still have another twenty minutes."

"I know but I just need to clear my head, please?"

Ms Pillsbury sighed and finally nodded, "I suppose it's fine just this once. It'll be okay Santana."

I smiled weakly and got up, walking as quickly as possible from the small office. All I knew is that I was going to skip glee club today and get out of here. There was only one person I wanted to see right now, there was only one person who could possibly understand what I was feeling. Once I was outside of the school I pulled out my phone and sent a text.

**Santana: Could you meet me at the Lima Bean? I need to talk to you, it's important.**


	16. Chapter 16

Quinn's POV:

I was late to glee today so when I walked into the choir room and saw that Santana wasn't there I was immediately worried. Mr Schue had already started the lesson and everyone else was in their seats.

"Mr Schue sorry to interrupt but does anyone know where Santana is?" I asked as I sat down.

"Well I know she went to see Ms Pillsbury during Spanish last period," Mr Schue offered.

Panic started to set in. What could have possibly happened during Santana's session to make her ditch glee club?

"Hold up blondie," Kurt said from his place at the back row. "I can see you're on the verge of a freak out but you don't have to worry. She's with Blaine." 

I was immediately confused, "Why is she with Blaine? Where are they?"

"Don't worry they're getting coffee Blaine said Santana texted him to ask to meet up," he explained.

"But _why _would she wanna meet up with Blaine?" I asked, my tone harsher than I had intended.

"I'll ignore the attitude," Kurt huffed. "But it's not my place to tell. Just trust me when I say Blaine's good for her. And before you ask she'll probably tell you all about it later so no more questions."

"I uhh," I rubbed the back of my neck awkwardly. Just knowing she was safe was enough to calm me down for now. "Okay."

Mr Schue continued with his lesson, but I wasn't listening.

_Why would she want to talk to Blaine? _

Santana's POV:

"Thanks for meeting me," I mumbled into the coffee I was nursing.

"It's not a problem," Blaine smiled warmly at me as he sat down in the booth after ordering his drink. "But I would like to know why we're meeting on such short notice."

My fingers traced the sides of my cup as I thought of what to say. I knew I could trust Blaine but it was still difficult to talk about.

"Your mom," I began. "Do you still talk to her?"

"Not a chance," Blaine's tone was more serious than I'd ever heard before. "Even if I wanted to my dad wouldn't let me. I don't know her address or phone number or anything and that's how I want it to be."

"Does she try to talk to you?" I asked.

"My dad's a lawyer so his office is in the phone books, she knows the contact information for him there and has tried to send a few letters to me through there. My dad asked me if I wanted them and I said no," he shrugged. "Even if I'd read them nothing she said would have made me write a reply."

"So she's not in jail?"

"For a year she was," Blaine explained. "She got out early for good behavior and my grandparents on her side are filthy rich so some money may have changed pockets along the way too." He scoffed at that. "All of my mom's side of the family are out of the picture now."

I nodded slowly as I took another sip of my coffee. We sat in silence for a while and Blaine was the one to break it.

"Why are you asking me this?" his tone was gentle, not even remotely forceful.

"My parents wanna see me," I said quietly. "Before their sentencing trial they wanna meet with me and talk to me."

"But what about you?" I cocked my eyebrow, unsure of what he meant. "I mean, do you want to speak with them?"

"No," I said flatly. "I could care less what they have to say. Nothing they could possibly say could make up for what they did. I just.. I fucking hate them Blaine."

I pinched the bridge of my nose in an attempt to keep tears from spilling. My eyes were squeezed shut but I felt Blaine's hand take mine and he squeezed it gently. It wasn't as effective as when Quinn did it but it still helped. It reminded me that someone was there. He let me recuperate before talking again.

"I know you don't care what they have to say, and believe me I understand that, but do you have anything to say to them?"

I laughed grimly, "You have no idea."

"Well my dad's represented people who were err," he hesitated. "Sorry for the technical term but victims of abuse." I shuddered at the word victim, it made me feel weak. "And at the sentencing trials they were allowed to speak to the people who hurt the in front of the court. They could say whatever it is they wanted to say without having to hear a response."

I looked up at that. It sounded... it sounded like exactly what I needed.

"But no one's said anything about me being able to do that," I said.

"Well my dad's pretty well respected and has some pull down at the Lima County Court House," Blaine explained. "I can talk to him tonight about you and I'm sure he'd set it up."

"What would I need to do?" I asked.

"Show up. Maybe write out what you wanna say this probably isn't the kind of thing you'd wanna improvise on the spot," Blaine chuckled weakly.

I nodded. It was something I should do, it would make me feel better, it would help me move on. But the idea of seeing them was overwhelming.

"It's okay to be scared," Blaine said soothingly. "You went sixteen years of not being allowed to say what you really wanted to say and now you have the chance. You spent all of your life having to listen to whatever bull they were telling you and now you get your turn. It's a lot to handle but it'll make you feel better."

"Did you do it?" I asked. "Speak at your mom's trial I mean?"

"No," Blaine shook his head. "I had the choice but I didn't. But a few months went by and I was still so angry at her and I just wanted her to know how I felt so I wrote her a letter and sent it to her in jail. She wrote back but like I said I told my dad to get rid of the letters because I didn't care what she had to say."

"Oh," I chewed my lower lip while I thought. "So if I do this they don't get a turn to talk back, right?"

"Right," he gave a curt nod.

"Okay," I sighed. "I wanna do it."

"I think you're doing the right thing," Blaine smiled warmly at me. For the first time in our conversation I smiled back.

Deciding the heavy subject had run it's course, we finished our coffee's and talked about things that we're actually pleasant. We talked about Kurt and Quinn, we talked about show choir competition, we talked about little things to raise our spirits. When I finally checked my phone I saw that it was five, we'd been here for two hours.

"Oh shit," I ran my hand through my hair. "I'm so in the dog house, Quinn's probably freaking out. I skipped glee and now I'm not home yet."

Blaine laughed and I shot him a playful glare, "I may not know much about Quinn Fabray but I do know that it's in anyone's best interest to not do anything to piss her off. You should probably head home before you're in too much trouble with your lovely lady."

I scoffed as I stood up and we walked to the door, "Aren't you gonna be in trouble with Kurt or something?" I shot back.

"I don't live with Kurt so no," he gave me a cheeky smile and playfully elbowed me. We both laughed as we walkd to the end of the block.

"Well I'm headed this way," he motioned his head to the left.

"Thank you Blaine," before I could stop myself I pulled him into a bone crushing hug.

"Woah from what I've heard of you Santana Lopez does not do things like this," he teased as we let go of each other.

"You're right she doesn't, so I'll totally kick your ass if you tell anyone about that," I said. I was somewhat embarassed by my display of gratitude.

"You're secret's safe with me Lopez," he winked and turned to walk away. "I'll see you around," he tossed over his shoulder.

I smiled as I turned to walk back towards home. I wasn't going to speak with my parents, I was going to speak _at_ my parents. I could say everything I'd wanted to say as they hurt me all those years. Everything I'd wanted to scream at them as they hit me I could finally say and they had no choice but to sit back and listen. It was their turn to be the one's who had no choice but to shut up and listen. I was still scared to even see them, but the relief I would feel from getting everything off my chest was worth it. Everything is going to get better if I do this, right?


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N: Hey guys. Sorry the updates are slowing down but school's starting back up and as much as I love writing these stories they obviously take the back burner to school. But I'm definitely not giving up on them and I'll try to update once a week. Also I'm changing the writing format because I like the one sentence at a time things. Keep reading and reviewing!**

Quinn's POV:

I drove home as fast as I could the second glee ended.

Something was bothering Santana and I needed to find out what, if she hurt herself again and I wasn't there to stop it I wouldn't be able to forgive myself.

But she was in capable hands according to Kurt.

Santana was with Blaine. I may not know Blaine very well but I do know that he's a good guy, trustworthy.

I just have no clue why Santana wanted to go to him, had I done something wrong to make her not trust me?

_Oh my God what if she's mad at me? She's gonna want to break up. Shit, shit, shit. No, snap out of it Fabray._

When I got home the house was empty.

My parents were still at their respective work places and probably wouldn't be home until late. That was okay, a few days of the week they had to put in extra hours so I was used to it.

The real problem is that Santana wasn't in her room, meaning she wasn't home yet.

Part of me was worried that she wouldn't be coming home ever but I pushed that from my mind, knowing that I was just overreacting.

_Hopefully just overreacting._

I had sent a text to Santana asking where she was when glee club had ended and still hadn't gotten a response.

Texting Blaine crossed my mind but I didn't have his number. Kurt would have it though.

I dropped onto the couch and was about to call Kurt when the front door opened.

My head shot towards the door and my heart soared.

"Santana!" I said, my voice cracking much to my embarassment.

I ducked my head shyly and blushed when she her lips curled into a smile at my expense.

She walked over and sat next to me, cuddling into my side.

"I'm sorry you were worried," she read my mind. "I just got some hard news and needed to talk with someone who could relate."

"Do you wanna talk about it?" I asked as ran my fingers through her dark hair. She pressed against me even more before talking.

"Ms Pillsbury told me that my parents want to talk to me," she whispered. I felt her tensing as she kept talking. "They want to meet with me before the sentencing trial, probably so she could give me some crap excuse or apology."

"You don't have to do it though, right?"

"Hell no I don't," she laughed. "And I don't intend to. But Blaine told me about something else I could."

"What's that?" I asked, eager to figure out how Blaine fits into the equation.

"His dad's a lawyer so he can set it up so I can speak at the trial, that way I can talk to them but they don't get the chance to respond. I just don't want to hear anything they have to say."

Her voice tapered off at the last part.

"Is that something you wanna do?"

"Yeah," I felt her nodding against me. "There's a lot of shit I need to get off my chest. Sixteen years of being tossed around means there's a lot of stuff I've been dying to say but never had the chance too. Actually no, I've just been too scared to say it."

"But you're gonna say it soon," I said. "And I'm proud of you for being brave." I wrapped her arms around her and hugged her, I wanted her to feel safe. Her tone during our conversation had ben making me think she's still a little weary.

"Can we talk about something else?" She asked after a few moments of silence. "Actually can we just watch TV or something?"

"Anything for my knight," I said with a smile.

I tilted her chin up and gave her a reassuring was simple but I put everything I wanted her to feel into it.

Based on the twinkle in her eye when she pulled away it had worked.

She smiled and moved to lie down as I grabbed the remote and turned the tv on.

With her head laying in my lap I moved my hand to her arm, tracing patterns as we absent mindedly watched some show.

"Quinn?" Santana said it so quietly I almost missed it.

"Hmm?"

"Thanks, you know, for putting up with me," her voice was weak. She was thinking something negative, I couldn't pinpoint it though.

"Nothing you could do would drive me away, you know that right?" I asked.

"I think I do, but I can't help but worry," she's clearly embarassed to admit this. I run my hand down her arm and lace my fingers between hers.

"I love you too much to be deterred by anything you do when your," I chose these next words carefully. "lets say when you're not so great emotions take over."

She laughed before growing serious again.

"I'm just scared of going back to my dark place. I'm scared that you'll leave when I do and that I'll have to be there by myself without someone to help me back out."

I wasn't sure how to respond at first, she usually doesn't let herself be this vulnerable. Not even with me.

One thing I was sure of was that these fears were stemming from her being able to talk to her parents.

Part of her thought that seeing them would send her back to the place she'd been working so hard to avoid.

"Santana Lopez I promise you I won't be going anywhere. As much as I hate the idea of you back pedalling like that I will be there to help pull you back out. I love you far too much to abandon you like that, to abandon you ever actually."

She looked up at me and smiled.

Despite the heart break I felt when I saw her eyes glistening with unshed tears I smiled back.

"Come with me."

"Where are you going?" I asked, tilting my head slightly as I did.

"To the trial, when I speak," she explained. "I just need to know that when I'm done I can go to you."

She wanted a safe place to retreat into after she faced her demons head on.

"I promise you that I'll be there." I've made a lot of promises for her today.

"Good," she exhaled heavily with that word, unleashing a breath I hadn't known she was holding.

"Oh by the way," Santana's tone was playful now, a welcome change. "As much as I love you I will still be unrelenting if you tell anybody about this."

I laughed, happy to see that Santana was still Santana.

"I wouldn't dream of letting people know you were human like the rest of us."

"My human side is for you and you alone."

"Really now?" I cocked my eyebrow questioningly.

She huffed, "Fine the vast majority of it is for you. Other people can see it but they also need to remember that I'm a badass who runs the ship. Despite all this I'm still willing to go all Lima Heights on anyone who pushes me."

"Oh I'm sure," I teased.

"Not to mention the razor blades in my hair," she added cockily.

"Lies! I would have cut my hand by now if that were true," I ran my hand through hair again for emphasis.

"Well no one else needs to know I'm not serious."

We both laughed for a bit before actually making an effort to watch the show that was on tv. We had gotten through the serious things that needed to be said. Now we could just be us. I for one am looking foward to the day where we can always just be us.


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N: Hey guys. This is just a little set up chapter and it's gonna be pretty short. The next chapter will be filled with more stuff such as the trial. Read and review!**

Santana's POV:

I jolted awake when I heard the front door open and close. Quinn and I had fallen asleep on the couch.

"Hi girls," Judy said softly as her and Russel took a seat on the other couch.

Quinn rubbed her eyes as I sat up and stretched a bit.

"Hi mom," Quinn mumbled sleepily.

_She's cute when she's tired._

"So, Santana," Russel turned to me. "Did Ms Pillsbury talk to you today about everything?"

"Yes sir," I responded.

"No need for the formalities in your own home," he smiled at me and I smiled back.

It was nice to know that this was my home.

"Anyway," he continued. "Have you given any thought to it?"

"I have," I nodded as I spoke. "And I'm not gonna be meeting with them."

"Very understandable," Judy added in.

"But..?" Quinn prompted me.

"Oh, yeah, right. My friend's dad is a lawyer and he's gonna set something up at the trial so I can speak during the sentencing."

"That way they can't talk to her she but she can talk to them," Quinn explained.

"Oh yes I've heard that people do that in situations like this," Russel mused. "Is there anything we need to do?"

"No everything's set up I just have to show," I shrugged, trying to play it off as casual and not let on how scared I was.

Considering that these people known as my parents have been so oppressive for so long part of me is scared that I'll choke up when I see them.

What if there's still a part of me that's still submissive to them?

What if it's too soon for me to conquer it?

_Stop thinking like that, Quinn will be there and I'll be okay._

Evidently I wasn't hiding my emotions as well as I thought because Quinn felt that it was necessary to put her arm against me and pull me into her.

Judy raised an eyebrow at the more than friendly gesture.

But, she decided that that's a conversation for another time.

"Should we come with you?" she asked instead of interrogating us.

I honestly didn't want too much of an audience there, it would just make me nervous.

Quinn was the only person I wanted there.

"Umm, I really appreciate the offer but I just don't want a lot of people there," I said, not wanting to offend them.

"Just Quinn," I added quickly.

"It's okay we understand," Russel said before clapping his hands against his knees. "Alright enough seriousness I'm hungry. I don't know about you guys but I for one would like some chinese take out."

"That sounds perfect," Judy said. "Does that sound good to you two?"

"Yeah," we said in unison.

I ducked my head and felt myself blushing for some reason that I couldn't fathom.

"Quinnie your usual?" Russel asked.

"Yes please."

"What about you Santana?" he asked me.

"Umm, I'll just get whatever Quinn's getting," I said.

"Alright, we'll call you two to the dining room when it gets here," Judy shot us a smile before getting up and pulling a confused Russel off the couch and out of the room.

Quinn starting giggling the second they left the room.

"What's so funny?" I asked.

"We totally just gave ourselves away," she pressed a kiss to my cheek after speaking.

"You mean _you_ totally gave us away," I teased before growing serious. "They don't care right? They like... won't kick me out for defiling their daughter?"

I tried to play it off as a joke but I couldn't help but be genuinely worried.

"San lets get two things straight," Quinn started. "One: They will never ever kick you out, you're stuck here whether you like it or not. They might be a little more gung ho about open doors when we're together and we'll have to be more sneaky if we want to share a room at night. I promise you're safe here Santana do not worry."

Her lips fored a slight smile before she continued.

"Secondly: I don't recall you ever defiling me."

I couldn't help but blush wildly. I don't know why it's not like sex was a foreign topic to me.

In fact I was more familiar with it than I wish I was.

But with _Quinn _everything was different. When it's someone you love it's different.

"I uhh, well, you know," I stuttered like an idiot. "Umm.."

Quinn saved me from further embarassment by capturing my lips with a kiss.

I practically melted into her and very much resented her pulling away, thus resulting in a fierce Lopez pout.

It was the most badass pout in terms of pouts... not at all fluffy and girly.

"I feel flattered that I could reduce the great Santana Lopez to that," she teased.

"Please don't tell anyone," I nuzzled against her neck in an attempt to gain pity.

"What do I get in return if I keep this a secret?" she was feeling pretty high and mighty at this point.

"Ummm, my unwavering affection?"

She laughed and tightened her grip around me.

"I think I can live with that."

I lifted my head from the crook of Quinn's neck and looked at her.

"So about this whole defiling business..." I said casually as a smile played across my lips.

"Santana I'm gonna be serious with you," the tone of her voice told me I better listen and not object to whatever she was about to say. "I love you and all but you should know that I don't think that that's gonna happen any time soon. It's just that when me and Noah did... you know that, I wasn't actually ready. I'm still not actually ready but you'll be the first to know when I actually am."

That's not what I wanted to her but to my own suprise I wasn't bothered.

"That's okay," I said, all joking out of my voice. "Just know that when you're ready I'll take care of you."

She blushed and ducked her head.

"This is a really embarassing conversation so I figure I'll just get it all out in the open now," she sighed before rushing out her next sentence so fast I barely caught it. "Ijustdon''tknowwhattodowithagirl."

I couldn't help but laugh at her nervousness. It was extremely endearing.

"Now who's all flustered," I was finally the one to do the taunting. "Well I love you and you love me so I'm sure it'll be great when the time comes."

"What'll be great?" Judy asked as she and Russel came into the living room with take out containers.

We were too busy talking to notice that the food had arrived.

This was embarrasing.

"Ummm we're working on a duet for glee club!" Quinn improvised. "And we have umm.. good chemistry so it's gonna sound great when we finally perform it for everyone."

"Oh, well I'm sure it's great," Judy said as she handed us our containers.

The glint in Judy's eye's told me that she wasn't entirely convinced.

But seeing as she was a mother she probably didn't want to know the actual truth.

Ignorance is bliss after all.

We overcame the awkwardness and fell into casual conversation as we ate. Quinn's parents talked about their respective jobs while Quinn and I talked about our classes and of course glee club.

It felt weird being here, but in a good way. It felt like a real family, I could just tell that this is what a good family is supposed to feel like.

I loved it.


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N: Hey guys I know I said once a week but I had some extra time so I decided to get this chapter done. Reviews pretty please?**

Santana's POV:

The trial came up faster than I thought it would.

I spent a week writing and re-writing everything I wanted to say to _them_.

I definitely did not intend to see them again so I had to do it right the first time, everything had to be perfect.

And it was, or at least I felt it was until the day actually came.

Quinn drove us to the courthouse early so we would have a chance to meet with Blaine's dad and have him debrief me.

Now here we were, all sitting down in Mr Anderson's office, Quinn's hand resting on my thigh to keep me sane.

"So Ms Lopez basically what's happening is that your parents have already pled guilty, I guess they're smart enough to not fight against all the evidence that was sure to pile up. Anyway, we're going to go in there in about twenty minutes and you two can sit in the front row viewing benches while the judge goes over the case. It's all basic procedure. Before he gives the sentencing he'll ask if the victims would like a chance to speak."

I grimaced at the word _victim_, which didn't go unnoticed by Mr Anderson.

"Sorry for the word choice but that's how the judge will address it," he smiled sympathetically before continuing. "So he'll call you up to the podium and you can say whatever it is you have to say. When you're done just go sit down and he'll read the sentencing. Then you can go home, any questions?"

"They can't talk back?" I asked for the millionth time.

"No, they cannot," he said firmly.

A knock at the door to Mr Anderson's office alerted us all, when it opened a young man in a business suit popped his head in.

"Mr Anderson the Lopez trial is about to commence."

"Thank you Mason we'll be right out," he turned back to me when the door closed. "Are you ready?"

I just nodded, already feeling myself starting to disconnect from my good place that I'd created.

Quinn and I stood up, following Mr Anderson to the court room.

We took our seats in the front row.

I looked around, the only other people in the room were strangers in the public viewing area and a few lawyers talking quietly at the base of the judge's seating area.

But then a door opened next to the witness stand.

First came one of the bailiffs.

Then _they_ came, dressed in their best courtroom attire and much to my dismay, no handcuffs.

Even though I knew they couldn't do anything I still felt uneasy seeing them have free movement of their hands.

They took their seats without so much as a glance in my direction.

"Be brave knight," Quinn's voice whispered in my ear and I felt a little more grounded in reality.

Just a little more so.

The judge came in promptly and I found myself unable to pay attention to anything he was saying.

I kept shooting glances at _them_.

It was like looking at a really bad car crash: it makes you sick to see but you just can't help but look.

I was busy trying to dry my sweaty palms on the slacks I was wearing when nudged me gently.

"That's your signal."

I looked to Quinn feeling panicked, but a reassuring nod and smile from her gave my feet the fuel to carry me to the podium.

With shaking hands I pulled out the piece of paper I'd written on for this very moment.

And let me tell you, this very moment was more terrifying that I ever thought it would be.

For the first time their eyes were on me and it made me feel so weak and powerless.

It made me feel everything I'd felt for my entire life.

Just their presence was enough to knock me down quite a few pegs, enough to make me feel weak even though this was supposed to be my moment of strength.

"You can start when you're ready Ms Lopez," the judge said gently.

I inhaled deeply.

Here goes nothing.

"For sixteen years all I ever wanted to do was make you proud of me," I paused for a moment, phased by how much my voice was shaking.

"I just wanted to be everything you wanted me to be so that you'd accept me and love me like parents are supposed to. I tried to do well in school, I was a cheerleader, I was part of the in-crowd, I dated the football players, I did everything any parent would ever want their ideal daughter to do. But for some reason it just wasn't enough. I could never magically become the son you really wanted and I couldn't do anything to make up for that. I wasn't enough for you, and I just don't understand why you couldn't accept that you had a daughter who just wanted you to love her. I just wanted the safety that any good parents should provide."

_Do not cry, be strong._

"Parents are supposed to keep you safe and protect you from all the bad things in the world but you two _were_ all the bad things in my world."

I looked at them for the first time during my speech and they were being very theatrical, playing the roles of the distraught parents who made a little mistake and felt they were being unfairly punished.

Crocodile tears.

"To be honest I blame you for just about everything bad that's happened to me. In the process of trying to become perfect for you I became completely wrong for myself. I thought that if the fake me wasn't good enough for you the real me would be even worse. So I became scared of the real me. If you hurt me for who I wasn't then you would hurt me even more for who I was. Either way I was going to be hurting so I decided that I'd hurt enough and couldn't do it anymore. My life was so terrifying that I tried to end it. That decision I made was because of the fear you taught me, I thought that if my own parents wouldn't love me then no one would."

I looked at Quinn and she gave me a warm smile.

It gave me some confidence.

"But thankfully I was wrong, I had someone to save me all along. She showed me that there were actually a lot of people who cared enough to save me and I was just to blinded to notice. Thank God she did show me though because now I can live my life the way I want to with the person I want to live it with and I don't have to worry about you two coming down on me and trying to take all that away."

They heard the she part and through their upset fronts they put on I saw a glimmer of anger at the fact that their daughter loved another woman.

It was the same anger they had whenever they hurt me.

I was scared again and started rushing to finish.

My mind was already being pulled towards my dark place.

"You've already taken away too much and I'll never forgive you for that. I'll never forgive you for anything. So I suggest that you take a really good look at me right now because when I walk out of this room you will never see me again. When you're time in jail is done don't come looking for me and don't try and look for the people who actually love me because they will be just as adament about keeping you away. You had your chance to love me but for some reason you decided to hate me instead, and as much as it kills me to know that I'll never have loving parents I'm ready to leave you behind for good and move on to bigger and better things I would never have accomplished had you not been caught. Have fun rotting in jail and when you hear of my accomplishments don't you dare brag about how that's your daughter because that's a privilege you've lost."

I looked at them for the last time before uttering my next words.

"Good bye."

I turned away and quickly made my way from the podium towards Quinn.

But apparently my father was so angered by it all that he decided to drop the act and get the last word in.

"As if we'd brag about our _dyke_ daughter," he snarled.

The court room broke into a frenzy and I heard the judge banging his gavel and my parents lawyers sounding very exasperated.

Mr Anderson jumped into the action too try and calm the room.

Quinn jumped out of her seat and rushed to where I was standing in the aisle next to our seats.

Me on the other hand.

Despite that they couldn't touch me and I was freed from them.

I still went all the way back to my dark place.


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N: Have I mention how awesome reviewers are? Yes? Oh well for good measure I think I'll do it again: Reviewers are awesome!**

Quinn's POV:

"As if we'd brag about our _dyke_ daughter."

The second those words left Mr Lopez's mouth shit hit the fan.

His lawyers threw their arms up with disbelief and immediately started trying to remedy the sitatuation while everyone in the viewing area was talking amongst themselves, shocked by this turn of events.

"Get her home," Mr Anderson said to me before jumping up and starting to yell at the judge about something or other.

In the middle of it all was Santana.

She just stood there in the aisle staring ahead of her with a look that invoked fear in me.

It was the look she had when we had our fight in the locker room.

It was the look she had when I caught her drinking that same day.

It was the look I would guess she had as she wrote her suicide note.

Her fists were clenched next to her and she was visibly shaking.

I pushed past the reporters for the trial who were sitting next to me and made my way towards her.

When I reached her I grabbed her clenched hands and looked her straight in the eyes.

"Santana it's okay, lets go," I said, trying to keep my voice even for her sake.

It wouldn't have helped if she knew how upset I was by this; it's about her right now, not me.

Without another word I lead her out of the frenzied courtroom and didn't stop moving until we were finally back in my car.

The drive home was silent.

Her eyes were clouded as she stared at nothing.

When we finally pulled into the driveway I was relieved to find that my parent's cars were nowhere to be seen.

I wanted to deal with Santana without them for now.

We went inside and I brought Santana into my room where we sat on my bed.

"Talk to me San," I coaxed.

I wasn't ready for what happened next.

"I fucking hate them!" she yelled as she stood up and started pacing the floor.

"They can't ever let me have anything! No matter what I do it's wrong and they dissaprove. Even when I deserve something they spit on it and taint it," her voice strained as she was speaking. "My whole life they got to say what they thought of me and I couldn't talk back. Today it was supposed to me my turn to talk to them while they just had to shut up and listen but I can't even have that. I can't ever have anything good they hate me to much to let me!"

I just listened and watched as she clenched and unclenched her fists.

"And now everyone's gonna know about my shit," she continued. "Lima's a stupid small town where nothing happens so this is gonna be all over the papers. Everyone's gonna know things about me that I just don't want them to know! It's not fair I don't deserve this," she stopped pacing to turn and look at me with pleading eyes. "I don't deserve this, right?"

Her voice was barely above a whisper and it broke my heart to hear how broken she felt.

"Santana you never have nor will you ever deserve what has happened to you," I said as I got up and approached her. "It's not fair that you have to deal with all this but it's going to be okay."

Before I knew it Santana had flung herself at me and was sobbing into my sundress.

I wrapped my arms around her and held her as tightly as I could.

"I tried so hard to be good for them," she choked out through tears. "What about me is so awful for this to have happened?"

"You're perfect," I said softly to her. "Everything that happened is because your parents have issues not because of you. This happened because of them, not you."

"But something's wrong with me," I barely heard what she said next. "I mean, I came from_ them._"

That's when I realized that Santana's fear ran quite a bit deeper than I thought they had.

"Hey," I pulled her face up gently to look her in the eyes. "You're not like the you know. Just because you came from them doesn't mean you are them."

"But I am!" another round of tears racked her body. "I'm such a bitch Q, I've hurt so many people. I've been shoving people around and giving them shit for no good reason as long as I can remember. I'm a fucking predator just like them!"

"Santana stop," I said sternly. "You're a high schooler not some abusive predator. You and I have done the same crap to people and yeah it wasn't nice but it doesn't mean we're bad people. We feel remorse for what we did and you're parents don't. There's something wrong with them but there's nothing wrong with you."

She was starting to calm down a little now.

I brought her over to the bed and we lay down next to each other.

"You're amazing San, don't you dare forget it. And once high school is over we're gonna get out of here and go to New York and be so much bigger than the crap that's happened here. We can leave all of that behind and lives the lives we're meant to," I whispered to her as I tucked a lock of hair behind her ear.

"Where ever we go we go together, right?" she asked.

"I wouldn't have it any other way."

Santana nodded and buried her head in the crook of my neck.

I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her close, listening to her breath gradually starting to even out.

I ran my fingers through her hair gently as she slept.

I knew that this wasn't over.

I knew that she wasn't better yet and that while today was supposed to be a huge step foward it turned out to be a step back.

But she was going to get better.

I was going to make her get better and make her dreams come true; we would leave these town because we weren't Lima losers.

We are so much more than that.


	21. Chapter 21

Santana's POV:

When I woke up it was dark and I was in Quinn's room in her bed.

For some reason I couldn't feel her next to me, making me assume we had untangled from in each other in our sleep.

I turned over to sling my arm over her and pull her close.

But she wasn't there.

_Damn it Lopez don't freak out she probably just went to the bathroom or for some water._

I really didn't want to be alone, it made me feel unsafe.

To top it all off I hated feeling so weak because of my neediness for Quinn.

But hating it doesn't make it go away, so I just closed my eyes and waited for the shifting of weight on the bed that meant she was back.

I was trying to be patient but she wasn't coming back.

_We fell asleep before dinner, she's probably eating downstairs._

Deciding that that was the logical explanation for Quinn's absence, I got up to go join her.

I sleepily walked down the hallway to the top of stairs where I could hear people talking downstairs.

Normally that wouldn't phase me and I'd be willing to just walk in on the conversation.

But this was different, the voices belonged to Quinn and... Frankteen?

_What the hell is Hudson doing here?_

I quietly made my way down the staircase so I could make out what they were saying.

"I can't believe her, I really loved her Quinn and she just dumped me."

"It's Berry Finn, she's unpredictable when it comes to relationships."

"But I'm not Puck or Jesse, she said she was in love with me."

"Maybe she was, just because she dumped you doesn't mean she doesn't love you. What'd she even say?"

"She said didn't see us in the future, that she was gonna leave for New York the second she could and that she doesn't think I'll be able or willing to follow her. I mean I know Junior year is almost over but that's an entire year until she'd even leave. And she's wrong I'll do anything to follow her, even if I didn't get into NYU I'd go with her and get a crappy job while she went to Julliard. She didn't even give me a chance to explain that..."

"Well she's an idiot then Finn and you know you deserve better."

"It's not about what I deserve it's about what I want."

"I get that, some people can just do you no wrong."

Quinn saying that made me smile, I knew she was talking about me so I figured it would be a good time to make my entrance.

"Rachel did me wrong."

"Then what are you talking about?"

For some reason Quinn didn't respond

When I finally stepped into the kitchen I found out why.

They were a little tongue tied at the moment.

Finn was pressing Quinn against the fridge and they were locked in a kiss.

Finn's oafish hands were caressing _my_ Quinn's face and _my _Quinn had her hands on his waist.

And that was all I needed to see.

I made my way back upstairs and went to my room to pull on a hoodie and some sweats.

I felt angry.

I felt betrayed.

They were _holding_ each other.

Only I'm supposed to hold Quinn like that but evidently she thought otherwise.

I let my anger take over me so I found myself on a bit of an autopilot.

I crept out the window in my room and climbed the tree outside of it down to the ground.

And then I ran.

Quinn's POV:

"It's not about what I deserve it's about what I want."

"I get that, some people can just do you no wrong."

"Rachel did me wrong."

"Then what are you talking about?"

Before I knew it I had my back to the fridge and Finn Hudson's tongue down my throat.

I put my hands on his waist and pushed him.

But Frankenteen's a big guy and I'm a lot smaller than him so he didn't budge.

I pretty much had to ride it out.

It was gross.

Now that I've finally admitted I'm gay and have actually kissed a girl I don't know why I ever tortured myself with the stubble-y grossness of boys.

_Jesus this kid is taking his time._

When Finn finally pulled away he had his trademark goofy grin.

I slapped it right off and he grabbed his stupid face and groaned.

"What the hell Quinn?"

_I can't believe he's that stupid._

"You can't just come into my house and kiss me!" I hissed. I wanted to yell but Santana and my parents were asleep upstairs. "It was fine that you came here because you needed a friend, I'm more than happy to be a friend to you but _nothing_ more! I mean hello didn't you get the memo that I'm gay? I've been with Santana for weeks!"

"I just thought-"

"No Finn you obviously didn't think! I'm never going to be more than a friend. I don't know how you're gonna walk into my house where my girlfriend is upstairs and then kiss me after talking about how much you love Rachel."

"I can love two people at the same time."

"Well pursue the one who isn't a lesbian!"

"But you let me kiss you!"

I pinched the bridge of my noise in annoyance.

"Finn Hudson you are a gigantic football player I am a small girl. You are too big for me to really fight back against. God I can't believe how selfish you are!"

"How am I selfish?"

_Really? No seriously, really?_

"First of all you broke up with me for Rachel, and that's fine because I was gonna break up with you anyway but point is you chose her over me. And then you come in here begging for my sympathy only to abuse it! And what about Santana? You do realize that after all she's been through your a real asshole for trying to take me away from here? GOD Finn did you really honestly believe you were gonna be able to make me leave her?"

"But we had a good thing I thought..." he was staring at the ground, realizing that he really hadn't thought this through.

"Finn there's this thing closeted gay people have sometimes called beards. You were just a beard I'm sorry I used you but I never loved you more than as a friend because it's just not possible for me to. I love Santana. And I think you should leave now."

Finn looked like he was going to say something but he didn't, he just nodded and practically ran out of my house.

When I heard the front door close I took a moment to let the anger ebb away before heading upstairs.

I needed some mouthwash and a serious dose of Santana after that madness.

I knew Finn Hudson was an idiot but apparently he can really outdo himself when he's emotionally compromised.

After a quick pit stop to the bathroom to brush my teeth I went back to my room.

But Santana wasn't in the bed.

_She must've gone back to her room._

I just shrugged it off and decided to go see her in her room.

But her room was empty too.

_She couldn't be in the bathroom I was just there. And I would have seen her if she had gone downstairs for something._

I went back to my room and sent her a text asking where she was.

But her phone buzzed on my desk.

_Where the hell is she?_

Just when I was about to start turning the house upside down my phone buzzed in my hand.

**Brittany: Just letting you know that Santana is here and that we both think you suck.**

_Oh crap..._

**Quinn: B what's going on? Why's she with you?**

I was pretty sure I knew the answer but I was hoping it was something else.

**Brittany: I can't believe you cheated on her. Q she's been through a lot she can't deal with this.**

She must've seen. She must have come down stairs looking for me and seen.

**Quinn: B I'm coming to explain over that's not what happened.**

**Brittany: You're not invited over she doesn't wanna see you and neither do I.**

**Quinn: Brittany I did NOT cheat on her! Finn kissed ME.**

**Brittany: Well Santana says you were all over him. I don't know what to believe but she's my best friend so I'm on her side. Just leave her alone for now she's safe here.**

**Quinn: Fine, just keep her safe and get her to come home in the morning.**

I threw my phone onto my bed before sighing and dropping down right next to it, burying my face in my pillow.

"DAMMIT!" I screamed into my pillow.

She thinks I cheated on her!

I know it looked pretty bad but she has to let me explain.

She has to believe me.

I can't lose her.

If she loses me I'm afraid she'll lose herself.


	22. Chapter 22

**A/N: Hi guys I just want people to know not to take the Brittany/Santana friendship the wrong way. As I established before in this story they never had feelings for each other and are just best friends (and Brittany's a cuddly person so none of this is **_**that**_** kind of intimate). The only Britanna is friendship. I repeat, the only Britanna is friendship! Sorry just wanted to get that out there haha, enjoy and review!**

Santana's POV:

When I woke up I couldn't help but notice I was in a different blonde's arms than usual.

Brittany was still asleep next to me as memories of last night began to flood my mind.

_That had to have been a dream, Quinn wouldn't do that to me... But why am I here if she didn't cheat? Be logical Lopez, Brit's your best friend and best friends have sleep overs all the time._

"You awake San?" Brittany mumbled next to me, pulling me out of my thoughts.

"Yeah," I said back and rubbed my eyes sleepily.

"You okay?"

_Crap it wasn't a dream._

"No," I said curtly. "No, I'm not."

Brittany wrapped her arms tightly around me and I buried myself against her, welcoming the warm embrace as tears began to flow.

"She said she loved me," I managed to choke out.

"Well I think she really did, or does..." Brittany trailed off before continuing softly. "San I'm gonna be on your side no matter what but I think you should give her a chance to explain."

"Why would I give her the chance to explain how she doesn't love me and that she really loves Finnocence?" I asked bitterly.

"She seemed upset last night when I talked to her just let her have a chance," Brittany said firmly.

"Wait you talked to her?" I sat up in confusion.

"Yeah I texted her remember? Anyway you better be ready to give her a chance because I told her she could come over and she'll probably be here any minute."

"What the hell B? I thought you were on my side!" I felt my anger brewing.

Brittany, sensing my anger, placed a hand on my shoulder.

"I am, that's why I think you should give her a chance. I know you love her and if it turns out Quinn didn't cheat I wouldn't want you walking around ignoring her and thinking she did because I know it'd just make you sad. And if it turns out she really did cheat then I'll be the first one to kick her ass."

I couldn't help but laugh and smile.

"Thanks B, do you mind if I hop in the shower really quick?"

"Of course not."

I pulled Brittany into another quick hug before heading into the bathroom attached to her room.

_God I hope this is all some huge misunderstanding. But I know what I saw and it doesn't look good..._

Quinn's POV:

Standing outside of Brittany's house I felt my stomach knotting.

I would say I'd never been so scared in my life but after all the stuff with Santana and her bad space nothing could really compare.

But I was definitely scared and oh so nervous.

It's not that I have anything to hide.

But what if she doesn't believe me?

What if I lose her?

Life without Santana isn't really much of a life...

_Just talk to her Quinn, she loves you and she'll understand. Everyone knows Finn's an idiot who doesn't really understand... things so she HAS to believe me._

Finally I just took a deep breath and knocked three times.

I wiped my palms on my jeans for the hundreth time, hating how sweaty they were feeling.

_Calm down Quinn, don't be nervous you did nothing wrong._

"Hey Q."

I snapped my head up and saw Brittany standing in the doorway with a weak smile.

"Hey," I tried to smile back but couldn't.

We stepped inside and Brittany walked me to the bottom of the stairs before stopping.

"Look Q," she said with a sigh. "Just tell me right now, did you cheat on her?"

"No, I wouldn't ever... I couldn't ever.."

"I believe you." I stopped talking and felt utterly confused when Brittany said that.

"Huh?" I asked dumbly. "I thought you didn't."

"Well based on what Santana said it sounds pretty bad for you," Brittany admitted. "But seeing you here and hearing you talking about it makes me think Finn was being stupid and it wasn't your fault."

"Thanks B," I smiled at her genuinely.

"I'm just gonna warn you, she's pissed off," Brittany had a cautionary tone that didn't help my nerves. "She's hurt, she thinks you betrayed her and that you don't love her. After all she's been through I can't blame her for reacting like that. No matter what she says to you you can't get angry with her just be patient."

I just nodded, knowing that Brittany was right.

Santana Lopez was many things; stubborn was definitely one of them.

"She's in my room, I'll be down here if you need anything."

Without another word I went upstairs.

Outside of Brittany's closed door I felt my heart pounding out of my chest.

_Just do it._

I pushed open the door and saw Santana sitting on the side of Brittany's bed looking intently at a picture frame.

She looked so goddam sad.

"Hey San," I tried to sound normal but my voice betrayed me.

She just looked at me wordlessly.

I didn't miss the look of anger, hatred, and mostly sadness and hurt in her eyes.

I moved over and sat next to her on the bed, leaving a good five feet of space between us that I wanted more than anything in the world to close.

She put the picture frame back on Brittany's bedside table and I couldn't help but smile at the image.

It was the Unholy Trinity after winning Nationals last year with the Cheerios.

I had my arms wrapped around Santana's waist with my chin resting on her shoulder and Brittany was next to us, jumping in midair.

We were all beaming.

I started to laugh, unable to stop myself.

"What's so funny?" Santana was clearly trying to snap at me but she just didn't have it in her right now.

"Us in that picture," I said as I composed myself. "I mean just look at us! Friends don't hold each other like that. We looked like a couple before we'd even admitted to each other that we loved each other..." I trailed off when I saw that Santana wasn't smiling along with me or reacting at all.

"So you say," Santana finally grumbled.

"What do you mean?" I asked, already knowing the answer but hanging on to the hope I was wrong.

"I can't believe you have the nerve to come here and talk about how in love we looked," there was venom mixed in with her voice and it made me cringe.

"Well we were, we are."

"I'm the only idiot in this room who fell in love," Santana shot at me.

"Santana please don't," I couldn't help the pleading tone in my voice. "I loved you then and I still love you now, what you saw last night wasn't what it looked like."

"You mean you were grabbing onto Frankenteen and sticking your tongues down each others throats in the kitchen?" Santana shouted and stood up in front of me.

"Santana it's not like that I wouldn't do that to you!"

"Really now? Really? Because that's exactly what you were doing!"

"Just let me expain, please," I kept my voice quiet, fighting the urge to yell right back but remembered Brittany's warning.

"Oh please do, I just can't wait to hear this," Santana crossed her arms and looked down at me where I was still seated on the bed.

"Rachel broke up with Finn so Finn came over to talk to me," I started, half-expecting her to interrupt and yell some more.

Thank God she didn't, it made me feel like I actually had a chance.

"He said he needed a friend and we're friends so I let him come into the kitchen so we could talk about it. He was talking about how hurt he was and how he wouldn't have moved to New York with Rachel because of how much he loved her. Before I knew it he was basically telling me he loved me and had me pinned against the fridge and was kissing me. I tried to push him off but Finn's a huge guy so I just let him finish. I slapped him and made him leave after that. I told him I way gay and that I loved you and only you..."

"If that's true why were you holding him?" she asked quietly.

"I wasn't," I replied in confusion.

"You had your hands on his hips."

"Oh that, yeah I guess that probably looked bad but I swear to God that I was just trying to push him off."

"Quinn..." She said slowly. "I really want to believe you..."

"But..?" I asked, not actually wanting an answer.

"But I just don't know," she muttered. "I just need some time, okay?"

I wanted to scream no and just hold her and make her feel safe and remind her she was mine and that I am hers.

_Was hers...? Stop Quinn, do NOT think like that._

"I don't want to give you any," I admitted. "But I can't control you."

"Could you just go? I'll stay here with Brit so I'll be safe," her voice was monotone.

At least she still cared enough to reassure me that she'd be safe away from home.

"Okay," I consented as I stood up and walked towards the door.

Before I opened it I turned around to face Santana once more.

"Santana I love you more than anything in the world and I'll wait as long as it takes for you to believe me."

And then I did the hardest thing I'd ever done in my life.

I left.


	23. Chapter 23

**A/N: Hey guys, I just want to thank everyone who's been reading because I don't think I've really done that yet! So yeah, hope y'all enjoy. Reviewers are some of the sexiest people out there btw...**

Santana's POV:

I felt like a bitch the second Quinn closed the door behind her.

The look in her eyes told me that she wasn't lying.

That she really loved me and that she hated what had happened just as much as me.

But that insecure part of me was really hard to beat out sometimes and that was the side of me that said she loved Finn and not me and loved the kiss.

"Hey San," Brittany had come into the room and I hadn't even noticed.

"Quinn looked sad when she left," she continued.

"Yeah B," I sighed. "I think I screwed up."

"You didn't believe her did you?"

"No I do believe her I'm just scared of being wrong about it. Everything in me screams that she didn't cheat and that she loves me but what if I'm but what if my instincts are wrong?"

Brittany sat down next to me and took my pinky in hers.

"Santana you're my best friend in the world and I love you and all but you have to stop being so scared of people."

Brittany never fails to suprise me with her moments of insight.

"I know your parents let you down but Quinn isn't like them," she continued. "I saw her and I believe her when she says she didn't cheat. Quinn's my best friend beside you so I know when she's lying and I know she wasn't lying today."

"I'm an idiot, huh?" I asked with a weak smile that Brittany most certainly did not return.

"No," she said matter-of-factly. "You just have some trust issues from everyone that's happened. You just have to learn to get over them and Quinn is one of the people you need to let help you."

We sat in silence while I thought about what Brittany had just said.

"And you felt good when you told the girls and Kurt and Blaine about what had happened at the sleep over, right?" she asked.

"Yeah," I nodded slowly. "You're right, I really did."

"So don't give up on all the people who really love you because of one misunderstanding."

"Yeah!" I said much more enthusiastically, finally allowing a genuine smile to form.

"So go talk to Quinn!"

"I don't know..." and just like that I felt like I was back at square one. "She probably hates me."

"Okay maybe you're being a little stupid now," Brittany teased as elbowed my side playfully.

I just raised an eyebrow, prompting her to explain.

"Quinn gets why you're acting like this, she won't hold it against you. She's sad that you wouldn't believe her but she understands why and she's not mad. She's never gonna be mad. But the longer you keep her waiting the sadder she's gonna get."

"Jesus B you should be a life coach," I smiled at her, realizing just how right she was.

"But why would I need to coach people on Life when the instructions are on the box?" She tilted her head in confusion.

"No I mean you should give people advice like you're giving me."

"Ohh!" Brittany smiled back. "I totally should. But I'll do that later right now you need to go home, okay?"

"Okay. Thank you Brit, I'd be so lost without you. You know that?"

"No you wouldn't, I just make it a little easier."

And to think that there are people out there with the audicity to call her stupid.

Quinn's POV:

_You blew it Fabray, she's done with you. You will die alone because the love of your life doesn't love you anymore because Finn Hudson is the biggest idiot on the planet! No, stop calm down. She never said she doesn't love you, she's just unsure of what to believe. But if she really loved you she'd believe you! But, she's been through so much it's only reasonable that she'd hesitate to trust me after seeing something that looks like betrayal. Yeah, that's it... it has to be it..._

Deep down I knew that Santana was having trouble believing me because of all I've been through, so I'm not mad.

But what about me?

I mean I'm not the most secure person ever so this is taking it's toll on me too.

I know she doesn't really hate me or anything but it still hurts.

And to top it all off I feel bad about wanting someone to tell me it's gonna be okay when she needs it even more.

"Me and mom are headed off to the Robertson's for dinner, are you sure you don't want to join us?" My dad poked his head into my room, drawing me from my thoughts.

"No I think I'm just gonna stay home this time, tell them I say hi though," I was pretty happy with my ability to keep my voice even.

"Will do. Hey, where's Santana been?" he had obviously been dying to ask that.

"Oh uhh, she's hanging out with Brittany. They just haven't had that much time alone in a while so they needed to do their own thing."

"Okay, well there's money for pizza or whatever you feel like on the counter. We'll be back late so we'll probably see you tomorrow."

"Bye daddy," I called as he closed the door.

I wanted more than anything to tell him what was really going on so I could have someone to comfort me.

But I couldn't tell my parents, they'd get all... parental about it.

The only person I really wanted to ever comfort me was Santana.

But I need comfort about a Santana situation.

So I want Brittany.

But as much as Brittany and I love each other she's always going to side with Santana because they've known each other since they were just kids.

It pretty much left me with me, myself, and I.

_Oh great now I feel melodramatic._

Suddenly someone was knocking on my door.

"It's open!" I called to my dad, who must've forgotten to tell me something.

Still laying down and staring at the ceiling I didn't see him walk in.

I felt my bed shifting under added weight.

And then I felt someone hugging my arm into them and burying their face in my neck.

_Not my dad..._

This probably should've scared the crap out of me but a familiar scent hit me.

Santana and her typical fruity body wash were invading my senses.

And I _loved _it.

Not wanting to ruin the moment and intense relief I was feeling with words I opted to roll onto my side and wrap my arms around her, pulling her into a tight embrace.

We could always talk later.

Or we could stay like this forever.

Preferably the latter.


	24. Chapter 24

**A/N: Hey guys. So I've had some serious real life drama in the past few days and just really needed to write something pleasant or else I'd go crazy! I feel like this chapter might be kinda idk but hopefully you all will like it. Reviews and enjoy.**

Santana's POV:

I woke up but refused to open my eyes.

Quinn's peach body wash invaded my senses and it was the most reassuring thing imaginable.

She had let me come home and wasn't angry with me.

It didn't make sense to me that she'd be so accepting of me right now, if I were her I'd be way less forgiving.

I guess that's one of the many reasons I fell in love with her.

But as great as Quinn is I'm still not looking foward to the inevitable talk about all this.

Yes I've made some serious progress with myself but I'm still the same old Santana and the same old Santana still has her reservations about opening up.

A knocking on the door made my eyes flutter open just in time to see Judy poke her head in through the door.

"Girls we have to head out right now so you have to drive yourselves to school today, don't be late!"

Just as quick as she came in she was gone and Quinn and I were left sleepily rubbing our eyes as we sat up.

"I still think it's crazy that your parents never flip about us sharing a bed," I said in an attempt to break the ice.

"They trust us," Quinn shrugged like it was obvious. "It's not like they've ever caught us naked or something."

"I guess, it's weird having that much trust though," I added as I got up and moved to grab some clothes for the day off the floor.

"Maybe you could learn from them."

Okay so maybe she's a little angry after all.

I'm in no position to be angry back but it still hurts.

But what the hell am I supposed to say to that?

"San I didn't mean it," warm breath hit my ear as Quinn wrapped her arms around me and pressed into my back. "I'm just tired and a little upset about this but I'm not mad and I get it, okay?"

"Okay," I breathed.

"We should get to school," she kissed my cheek before letting go of me and heading into the bathroom.

I knew she was more upset by this than she was letting on.

She doesn't want to make this about her because she thinks it's about me; she just doesn't want to feel like she's playing the victim.

But it's not about just me or just her; it's about both of us.

So I need to apologize just as much as she needs to be understanding of me.

She's done her part so now it's my turn.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

The day ended and I was eager to rush to glee.

Quinn and I only had two classes and lunch together which, as as I'm concerned, is not enough.

Not to mention I'd come up with a lovely little apology that's going to be pretty great if I do say so myself.

I was apparently more eager than I thought because I even beat Rachel to choir room.

She was suprised by this too because she looked legitamately startled when she walked in to find me sitting down already.

"Why hello Santana. I can honestly say I'm suprised to see you, or well anybody really, here before me," she said, grinning widely as she spoke.

"Yeah well you'll have your perfect attendance back in no time, this is only temporary manha-Rachel," I caught myself just in time, this whole new Santana thing meant that I was trying to be nicer to everyone.

Even Berry...

Well okay maybe she's not that bad once you hang out with her out of school and see her being less high-strung.

"Don't stop just on my behalf, so long as I get my solos I don't mind getting here second."

In school she was pretty annoying still...

Luckily I didn't have to continue that conversation because everyone else decided top arrive at the same time.

I shot a death glare at Finn before turning my attention to Quinn, who shot me a smile.

She excused herself from a conversation with Mike and Tina and came to sit down next to me.

"Good day?" she asked after giving me a quick peck on the lips.

"Mhmm, you?"

"Good enough."

"Well it's about to get better," I grinned slyly and before she could ask what I was talking about Mr Schue walked in.

"Okay guys I just wanna jump right into this weeks assignment," he scrawled a large word on the whiteboard as he spoke. "Passion guys. I want songs that reflect something you're passionate about. It can be passion towards a person, a belief you have, anything."

"Mr Schue," I shot my hand up.

"Yes, Santana?"

"I have a song I'd like to perform."

"Well that's great and all but I literally just gave this assignment don't you want time to practice before you show us?"

"I actually already had something I need to perform today but it also happens to fit in with the assignment."

Mr Schue clapped his hands together and grinned, "Excellent! Two birds with one stone, come take it away then."

I winked at Quinn before practically bounding to the piano and whispering my song choice to jazz band.

"Okay so before I start I just wanna say that this is for Quinn. I should've believed you and I'm sorry for making you feel the way I know you feel."

I waved my hand at the band and the song started.

I took a breath, locked eyes with Quinn, and began.

_There are places I'll remember_

_All my life though some have changed_

_Some forever not for better_

_Some have gone and some remain_

_All these places had their moments_

_With lovers and friends I still can recall_

_Some are dead and some are living_

_In my life I've loved them all_

_But of all these friends and lovers_

_There is no one compares with you_

_And these memories lose their meaning_

_When I think of love as something new_

_Though I know I'll never lose affection_

_For people and things that went before_

_I know I'll often stop and think about them_

_In my life I love you more_

_Though I know I'll never lose affection_

_For people and things that went before_

_I know I'll often stop and think about them_

_In my life I love you more_

_In my life I love you more_

By the end of the song I had moved until I was standing in front of Quinn.

She smiled at me with watery eyes and I knew her doubts were gone.

She knew I trusted her, she knew I wasn't going to leave her over Hudson, and she knew I loved her.

Before I knew it she was standing up and hugging me tighter than ever before.

Her face was buried below my chin and I could feel her tears against my skin.

And no one dared say a thing as we held onto each other, letting each other know that this was the real deal and that neither of us was going anywhere.

"Do you mean it?" she said so quietly that no one in the word could hear but me.

"I wouldn't lie to you," I whispered back.

She sniffled once more and pulled out of the hug.

We both laughed as I reached out and wiped the tears from her cheeks.

"Well Santana," Mr Schue finally broke the silence of everyone around us. "That definitely fulfills the lesson requirement."

"Who knew our resident Satan was capable of being so open and honest with her emotions," Sam said in genuine wonder.

"I did!" Brittany piped up.

"Yes everyone but the boys did Brit," Kurt added from the back row before turning to face me. "By the way if you would be so kind as to call Blaine he's been trying to reach you for a while."

Oh crap I should've figured he'd know about the trial.

"I will," I nodded, my eyes not leaving Quinn.

"We have to go," Quinn suddenly declared. "Just remembered, mom needs help with dinner-thing or something."

"She does?" I asked dumbly.

"Yes," Quinn said firmly. "She does."

Before me or anyone else could object I was being dragged out of the room by a woman on a mission.

I was thrown for another suprise when we stopped abruptly and ended up with my back against a locker with Quinn's lips attacking mine.

She meant business; she left no time for pleasantries and was biting at my lower lip to get me to open my mouth so she could slide her tongue in.

This was a very new side of Quinn Fabray.

But I for one am _not_ about to complain.

I moaned embarassingly loud when her mouth made it's way to my pulse point and nipped away.

It felt so amazing that I wasn't really caring if any of the glee clubbers overheard us.

I mean I would be lying if I said I hadn't been dying for Quinn to get her freak on like this.

When I was trying to supress my feelings for her I would, well I would get around.

None of it meant anything so it wasn't that great but that doesn't mean it didn't feel awesome sometimes.

Don't get my wrong I would never break up with Quinn over something like sex but that doesn't mean I don't want it.

Wait...

_Holy shit wait I think Quinn actually wants to have sex! _

"Quinn not in the hall," I managed to breathe out.

My knees got weak at the frustrated moan of surrender she elicited as she unlatched from my neck.

"Sorry about that," she said after a minute of steadying her breath.

"I'm not complaining," a cheeky grin crept onto my face.

"No I mean I'm sorry I lead you on just now," she leaned against the locker next to me and dropped her hands to entwine our fingers before continuing. "I know that you're probably... sexually frustrated and what I did probably didn't help but we're not gonna go home and do that."

Well so much for that.

"It's okay," I replied honestly. "I'll wait until you're ready."

She let go of my hand and wrapped both arms around my waist, turning herself to look in my eyes.

"You're okay with that completely?"

"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?"

"Because it's not like I'm a virgin, what with Beth and all," she ducked her eyes at the mention of her daughter's name, just like she always does. "I don't want you to think that I'm holding out just because it's you."

"I can promise that I never have ever thought that. With you're thing before..." Quinn pulled me a little closer when I grimaced at the thought of her and Puck. "I know you didn't mean to so it's kinda like that didn't count as your reall first, you know? I want you're real first to be when you're ready so it can be all kinds of awesome."

Quinn just smiled and gave me a chaste kiss.

"Exactly. Besides my parents are probably home by now anyway and the first time we do that I for one want to have no potential interruptions."

"Good because I'm gonna take my time on you," I said in a sultry tone that made Quinn's face flush.

"We should head home," she practically squeaked.

It was adorable that I had just flustered her, especially considering that she was the one who had practically banged me in the hall just now.

We broke out of our hold on one another (we had been holding each other a lot today now that I think about it... not that I'm complaining!) and walked through the empty halls hand in hand towards the parking lot.

"So can I assume that we're all good?" I blurted out.

She just smiled at me and opened the passenger door for me.

"We'll always be good in the end."


	25. Chapter 25

**A/N: Hey guys. I don't really know how much more I can do with this story so I think I'm gonna wrap it up in two or three more chapters plus an epilogue.**

**Reviews are appreciated and enjoy!**

Quinn's POV:

Every since Santana sang that song for me last week things were perfect; we were both on cloud nine.

There had been no arguments and we were just living life as it should be lived.

We went to school and did our work, laughed with our friends, then got to go home and fall asleep next to one another.

From where I stand right now, I'd be perfectly content to live like this for the rest of the life.

Okay except for the school part, that will most certainly not last forever.

But for now I was happy to be walking down the halls of McKinley High with my arm around the waist of the love of my life, ignoring the glares of the homophobic assholes that unsuprisingly dotted the student population (people had gotten used to us for the most part but this is still Ohio...).

"Ladies!" Puck called as he slid in front of our path. "Glee party tonight at my place, everyone's coming so I hope my favorite milf and her lover will be joining us."

"Puck with your charm there's no way we could resist," Santana scoffed next to me.

"So that's a yes?" he asked hopefully.

"This isn't gonna be some lame song writing party is it?" she cocked an eyebrow skeptically.

"Lopez I said the party was at _my_ place and I am offended that you would think that I would have the nerve to call something like that a party. No, this is like any old Puckerman party just on a smaller scale with the glee club."

"I suppose we could make time for it," I couldn't help but giggle at Santana's faux-bored tone.

"Fantastic! Come over around 8. People are staying overnight so bring whatever it is you sleep in. Or don't, nudity is embraced at the Puckerman residence," Puck did his signature eyebrow waggle, earning him a punch in the arm from Santana.

"Noah don't be so fresh," I scowled, trying to sound annoyed but couldn't help the grin on my face.

"Fine, fine, I won't push my luck anymore. See you tonight," and with that, he was gone.

Santana and I both laughed once he was out of sight.

Typical Puck behavior, but we loved him for it.

"Wait you actually wanna go right?" Santana asked before sheepishly adding, "I didn't really wait for your opinion..."

I smiled, "You're adorable when you think you might be in trouble." 

Santana crossed her arms and scowled at me, "I am Santana Lopez. I am a badass. I am not adorable."

I reached forward and wrapped my arms around her waist once again, "You're adorable when you get all pouty."

"Quinn!" she whined and leaned against my chest in exasperation.

"You're adorable when you complain."

"I hate you," I laughed at her muffled voice as her face was situated in the crook of my neck.

"You love me."

"No I don't."

"Yes you do."

"No I don't."

"Yes. You do."

"Fine, I do."

"I love you too."

xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

Standing outside of Puck's house we could hear the laughter from inside.

Laughter that definitely gave away that there were some drunk teenagers inside and that made me really nervous.

I should have figured that having a party meant we'd be getting drunk, especially considering it was at Puck's house.

But the last time Santana drank it was not a good situation.

Part of me wanted to ask her not to, but another part of me said we had to live normally and do normal teenage stuff.

The latter part won out and we entered the house without a word.

"HEYY BABY MAMAA!" Puck crooned from the couch as he nursed what was definitely not his first wine cooler of the night.

"Noah," I said curtly, trying to hold back my laughter.

Puck got up and stumbled torwards us.

"And hellooo to Lopez, or Lo-Lez!" Puck snorted at his joke before continuing. "So alcohol's in the kitchen. Go do some shots and catch up cause we're all pretty wasteeeddd already! Right guys?"

"Whuzzat?" Sam turned his head towards Puck in confusion.

"I said we're wasted guys!"

"Ohhhh, hell yeah!" Sam grinned widely and took another sip of his drink.

"We'll be back in a jiff Puck," Santana said before grabbing my hand and pulling me towards the kitchen.

Once there we both made quick work of three shots each, feeling a buzz pretty quickly.

"I can't believe you said 'jiff'" I snorted as I poured vodka into red cups for us to take out to the party. "You're such an old man sometimes."

"But I'm your sexy old man," Santana cooed in my ear, making my nose scrunch up at the image.

"Lets get back to the party, they're probably missing us."

This time I was the one to pull her by the hand as I lead us to the living room, where we joined the rest of the glee club in a circle on the floor.

"Now that we're all here we can start the festivities!" Puck announced happily.

"But it's not Christmas," Brittany said in a confused tone.

"Festivities aren't just for Christmas Brit," Arite patted her shoulder gently from his chair.

"Anyyywayy," Puck waved his hand in the air as if he were trying to remember what he wanted to say. "Spin the bottle time!"

As one Mercedes Jones would say: hell to the no.

"Hell to the no!" I slurred.

"Oh hell to the no you did not just say hell to the no," Mercedes snapped her fingers across the circle.

"Hell the yes I did!" I glared at her before turning to Puck. "And I stand by that hell to the no."

"Awww what's the matter Quinn? Don't wanna see someone else mackin' on your woman?" Lauren teased from next to Puck.

"It's just a game Q," Santana's hot breath hit my ear, sending shivers down my spine. "Like, everyone in here is in a relationship it's just for fun."

"Fine, but only because I don't wanna be the downer," I huffed.

"So can we get going or what?" Puck asked as he placed a bottle in the middle of the circle.

"Me first!" to everyone's suprise Rachel leaned foward and spun the bottle without a second thought.

It landed on Finn and he grinned goofily, more than happy to plant one on his girlfriend.

But he wasn't very happy about where the bottle landed on his turn.

"I can't kiss him guys!" Finn said as he ran shaky fingers through his hair. "That's like the ultimate betrayal to my bro."

"God Finn just do it," Kurt drawled. "Just keep it quick."

"You no on second thought maybe spin the bottle wasn't such a good idea," Finn sputtered as he stood up from the circle and sat down on the couch. "We should like, I dunno, play truth or dare."

"Finn you are so stupid sometimes you know that truth or dare is just going to lead to people kissing right?" Kurt asked as Blaine drunkely played with the boys normally perfectly styled hair.

"Okay fine, then lets just have a conversation."

"And what the hell do you suggest talking about Finnocence?" Santana sneared from next to me.

"I dunno, life and stuff.." he suggested awkardly and took a long sip of his drink. 

"Okay you guys figure this shit out, I'm gonna go get more drankkk," Puck laughed and stood up shakily, making his way back to the kitchen.

"You know Finn everything would be fine right now if you'd just been a man and kissed Blaine," Kurt huffed.

"I couldn't do that to you though," Finn said weakly.

"My foot, you just didn't wanna kiss a boy."

"Your foot?" Finn asked in confusion.

"God nevermind," Kurt shook his head before turning his attention to Blaine.

I just rolled my eyes at the whole situation and knocked back the rest of my drink.

And I'm not going to lie, I felt pretty damn fantastic.

Based on the fact that Santana was petting my hair she was feeling pretty great herself.

"The Puckster is back! Hope you didn't miss me too much. So what's the pla-oh shit!" Puck tripped over the coffee table and lost his grip on the vodka bottle in his hand, sending it crashing to the floor where it shattered loudly.

"Dude way to go!" Lauren said sarcastically as she looked on with and shook her head at all the wasted alcohol spilled onto the floor.

While everyone was absorbed in the whole broken bottle incedent I couldn't help but notice that Santana had stopped moving her fingers through my hair.

When I looked at her her eyes were far away.

She looked terrified.

"San, talk to me," I whispered so as to not draw attention to us.

Before I could stop her she got up and half-stumbled, half-ran out of the room.

"Woahh looks like someone had a little too much!" Puck laughed as he dropped paper towels onto the spiller alcohol.

I didn't reply and just followed after her into the back yard.

One the plus side she obviously wasn't leaving because she was going to be sick.

But then again it was probably worse...

Luckily she was too drunk to run very fast.

Once outside I caught up with her and put my arms around her torso, tightening my grip into until I was flush against her back.

She was shaking.

"Santana stop just tell me what's wrong," I whispered into her ear, keeping my voice steady so she wouldn't hear my fear.

She didn't reply, she just breathing really fast.

Then it hit me, she's having a panic attack.

"Hey San just try to calm down and breathe with me." 

I have no idea if that's what you actually do when someone's having a panic attack but I'm a little to drunk to think of anything else.

But I'm pretty sure she was hearing me and trying to do that because I could hear her taking deep breaths.

I just tightened my grip on her and peppered the back of her neck with kisses.

"You're okay, I've got you."

We stayed like that for I don't know how long, but when she finally stopped shaking and her breathing steadied I felt a weight lift off my shoulders.

"Can you tell me what just happened there?" I asked her.

"I wanna sit," she slurred quietly.

I nodded and looked around the yard before guiding her to a hammock tied between two trees.

That's not something you see everyday in Ohio, but I'm definitely not complaining.

We both managed to climb in after a few minutes of trying.

I for one was not aware of how hard it was to get into one of those things while drunk but it was really comfortable and totally worth it.

Not to mention it was the perfect design for getting all cuddy, which is exactly what we did.

"Ready to talk?" I asked as I tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear.

"It's stupid," she mumbled.

"I don't care what it is I need to know what triggered whatever just happened."

She sighed before going into her explanation.

"When my parents would... do things, they were drunk a lot of the time. My dad would drink straight out of the bottle a lot of the time and when he got really pissed he would throw them once he was finished. When Puck dropped that bottle it just brought me back to my dad being angry and..." she stopped talking and even though it was dark outside I knew that there were tears running down her face.

"Stop you don't have to say anymore, I get it," I hushed her and let her bury herself against my chest.

When she was curled up like this she seemed so small.

"I think it's the alcohol," she sniffled.

"Huh?"

"No I mean I wouldn't have freaked out about a bottle breaking if I wasn't drunk."

"Oh, yeah that makes sense. Makes you more vulnerable or something."

"I hate that word," she laughed weakly. "Makes me feel..."

"Vulnerable?"

"Exactly, I hate that."

"Well you may be my knight but I can be yours too when you need me to be."

Santana laughed, happily this time.

"We're so friggin' gay Q."

"Well aside from the obvious, what do you mean?"

"We're just like, stereotypical lesbians. I mean we already moved in together, maybe in an unconventional way, but it still happened!"

I laughed too, "Yeah I guess we are. But I wouldn't have it any other way."

"Neither would I."

We both yawned at the same time, causing us to giggle.

"I'm tired," I admitted. "We should go inside."

"Nooooo," she whined. "This thing is comfy as fuck. And I'm too tired to move anyway."

"You're lucky you're so adorable, or else I'd make you go inside," I teased."

"Quinnn!" she whined again. "Again with the adorable?" 

"Only because it's true."

"I hate you," she yawned once again and snuggled even closer to me.

"You love me."

"No I don't."

"Yes you do."

"No I don't."

"Yes. You do."

"Fine, I do."

"I love you too."


End file.
